As A Rabbit's Foot

You will be sensitive.

You will feel things more strongly and intensely than people you know. You will cry while listening to music and feel the depth of writing and marvel at details others never notice.

You will be acutely aware that you are poor and don’t wear nice clothes and don’t have your own room and live in a dirty house and have very few toys.

You will notice.

And never stop noticing.

You will be happy.

Sometimes.

Mostly when you are young and ignorant and unaware of what you are and how you are and your very real limitations.

There will be a time though when you are fearless and daring and beautifully unaware of what you are; it will be the best …

But it won’t last.

You will suffer.

Cruel and vile timing will serve as another trial and tribulation in your life.

Timing. Not your forte.

You will be years late to the puberty party.

Years.

And you will be changed and the trajectory of your life will arc to close off so very much of what you were and how you thought of yourself and your i-d-e-n-t-i-t-y.

It will take years to recover from this cruel twist of, what do they call it? Fate.

You will be in your thirties and you will have had one girlfriend that you took home to meet your parents. All the others you will never allow in; you will debase yourself to avoid avoid avoid. You will know nothing of love or intimacy or companionship.

But you can’t blame fate or timing for this. You can’t just explain it away.

You had choices you had options you had paths you could have taken but CHOSE not to.

No this is on you; squarely on your shoulders.

You did the best you could given your facticity but still, you failed yourself and by YOUR standards.

You will wonder to what degree anyone overcomes their facticity; not just you.

You will wonder but you won’t understand.

True happiness or self-actualization.

You will suffer.

But not needlessly.

You hope. You hope your suffering is for some reason, some philosophical just-world greater good.

It isn’t.

And you’ll prosper. Beyond your wildest expectations. Short of your ability but still…

You’ll marry and have kids and a job and a car that starts every morning and a nice home and weekends off to enjoy soccer games and swim lessons and you'll have nice clothes like you never had when you were a kid.

And you’ll know why. And you’ll think back to that so-called cruel twist of fate and realize that arc changed your trajectory for the better. As you will play guitar instead of sports and you will learn that with time and perseverance, you can do many things: like graduate college and earn a scholarship for a master’s program and then another. This is not the original trajectory. No it isn’t. In that other life you would have been fucked.

You overcame heartache. Sort of. Your relationships suffer as a result but at least you are alive to have at least stunted relationships.

You will be reminded of the perspective providing quotation: “You are going to die; which means you are lucky.”

As a rabbit’s foot you son of a bitch.