“Bark little doggie. Bark or you
won’t get a treat.”
The dog tilted its head and lifted
its ears.
“Fucking bark, pooch. You want the
treat don’t you? Bark.”
The dog didn’t understand and the
dog didn’t go on to bark.
Fast forward thirty years. The dog
is dead but the former owner is still alive. Much has changed about his life
over the last thirty years. Let us ask ourselves if he learned anything from
the doggie didn’t bark failure. Certainly cursing didn’t make a difference as
there were two trials, one with cursing and one without, yet neither yielded a
bark. One could certainly be tempted to make such a bold proclamation; one
could even proctor lamentation but it wouldn’t change the most important fact:
ONE CAN NEVER ACCOUNT FOR ALL THE
VARIABLES.
Why am I yelling? So you can hear
me and because it is important. Shhhh. Quit now, in a hushed whisper:
You can never account for all the
variables.
Better?
GOOD!
Just kidding. About yelling, not
the important fact.
Hume called it contiguity and it is
different from causation.
Causation is a big fat myth. If we
can never account for all the variables.
Whoa, did I just say that causation
is a myth, and body shame at the same time?
Don’t digress on me cause we’re
going to need a bigger boat on this one if causation is a myth. But then, if
causation is a myth, the size of our boat won’t matter one iota, hell, iotas
won’t matter, nothing will matter and not in the sense of nothing being
something, rather not one thing will matter, and this includes nothing, heck it
includes everything. Doesn’t matter.
But wait, what does causation have
to do with the price of tea in china?
Well if we can’t account for all the
variables, which we can’t, then contiguity is the best we can get, well, (gasp)
deduction, causation, certainty, (double gasp), it’s all…undeduction, uncaused,
uncertain, well, except for the Browns losing 12 games this year, that my
friends we can bank on.
Hugh Jackson can tell Hume to take
his contiguity and shove it up red right 88, cause (see what I did there, with
cause?) we’re losing 12 games this year, easy. I’ve got one qb older than Moses
and another with knees made of frito lays, my defense can’t register a sack at
a grocery check-out, my o-line is like a sieve, and my receivers all have
endorsements with Butterfinger candy bars. 12 games easy.
