Tone It Down

Mike Greenberg is starting to annoy the living and the deceased shit out of me.

I listen to ESPN radio on my lengthy commute sometimes and sheezuz is he just the worst.

For starters:

He uses “literally” incorrectly and a lot.

For after starters:

He said this morning that “by definition, Myles Garrett, plays run defense.”

Oh really, let us look up run defense real quick in the dictionary here. [flip, flip, flip] Hmm, it should be in here. [flip, flip, scan, flip] Nope, run defense isn’t in the dictionary.

For dessert:

Regarding the layoffs at ESPN yesterday he said: “Everyone who is conscious knows what happened at ESPN yesterday."

Literally, everyone who was conscious knows what happened at ESPN yesterday.

[Fierce eye roll]

No Mike, the vast majority of people, be they conscious, semi-conscious, conscientious, non compos mentis, Mentos-eating, or even Praying Manits do not, repeat, do not, know what happened at ESPN yesterday.

Here’s the thing Mike, even fewer people (please notice the use of “fewer” with a count noun, a grammar tip that could and should be shared with people that get paid to talk into a microphone) give a shit, be it figurative or literal shit, about what happened at ESPN yesterday. 

So Mike, tone the self-importance down a bit. Tone it down a ton actually.

Literally, a ton.

lit·er·al

ˈlidərəl,ˈlitrəl/

adjective

adjective: literal; adjective: literal-minded

1. 
   

taking words in their usual or most basic sense without metaphor or allegory

Hyperbole, Literally

Look man the death of John Saunders from ESPN made me sad. I liked him as a commentator. But for the love of fucking fucks when ESPN decides to air a moving, stirring tribute to him and misuses the word literally…well, some things need to happen. Talking about his daughters, John Ley said “They were literally the lights of his life.” Fuck! You get paid to write and talk into a microphone and you go and say something like that. Dammit man. I know my timing is bad, a man just died, but fuck, you are using the word in exactly the wrong way. Literally the lights of his life? Did he strap them to his car so he could see the road at night? Did he have them on his bedside table for a little night reading? Daughters aren’t fucking lights! They are human beings. God dammit why can’t people get this?

We should cancel the Olympics immediately, postpone the election, close all Starbucks until we have a nationwide seminar on the use of “literally”.

Dah! Here is an example:

She took my breath away.

This is figurative because I could still breathe when I saw her.

Asthma took my breath away.

This is literal because I couldn’t breathe.

See? Fuck!

They were the lights of my life.

This is figurative because they are human beings, not light bulbs.

They were always borrowing money from me and sneaking boys into the basement.

This is literal because I went broke in a hurry and the boys practically emptied the keg downstairs.

Dammit people, let’s literally do this. Now. Before it’s too late. Our very existence depends on it.

See now, that is hyperbole.

Or is it?

Stewards of Baseball

Mike Greenberg of espn’s mike and mike wants to admit Pete Rose into the major league baseball hall of fame, “warts and all.” 

One of the warts is betting on major league baseball, which is verboten and to which Rose denied for a long time. Add to that the fact that Rose bet on his own team while he was manager of that team. Add to that the fact that Rose bet on his team to lose while he was manager of that team.

Enthusiasts love the statistics of baseball and how statistics have become the living history of baseball. People don’t watch old baseball games, they monitor stats and records. 

With that in mind:

The stewards of baseball have to have an eye on the future of baseball not just the revered past of baseball and the stewards know the risk of the hall of fame becoming meaningless because Pete Rose bet on his own team to lose. The stats which are so revered in baseball become meaningless when the game is doctored for gambling purposes; like overusing your bullpen, pinch hitting at inopportune times, stealing at inopportune times, which Pete Rose most assuredly did do, to better ensure his team’s chance of losing, and his personal chance of winning. When Pete Rose bets on his team to lose he not only impacted his team’s stats but the other team and its players as well.

There is no hall of fame for the WWE and there aren’t box scores in the morning newspaper because we all know the stats aren’t meaningful or representative of true competition. Letting Pete Rose into the hall of fame runs the risk of rendering meaningless, true competition.

Measuring, statistics, and records are de facto meaningless if a competitor is trying to lose.

Pete Rose was trying to lose.

Mike Greenberg should know that if Pete Rose is allowed into the Hall of Fame, baseball will lose.

Britt McHenry Mctowed

This Britt McHenry episode is fascinating. Raise your hand if you haven’t had your car towed. Put your hand down, I don’t like you. It truly is a terrible feeling to have your car towed. I’ve had mine towed a couple of times and your heart drops when you don’t see your car where you last left it; we love our cars, are attached to our cars, belong to our cars and vice versa. So when it is gone and your means of transport are gone, you, at least I, become very ungrounded. Here is what I remember about my car towings: there were definitely signs posted letting me know I was not allowed to park there…but I rolled the dice. People can talk about “predatory towing” all they want, till the cows come home, till they are blue in the face but I ask you, deep down in your heart of hearts, deep down in places you don’t like to talk about at cocktail parties, did you see a sign? Did you roll the dice?

You did.

Britt McHenry did.

Now because I rolled the dice, I ponied up the dough, and much like Jim Carrey in Lair Liar, took it up the tailpipe without a peep.

Britt though, not so much. Couldn’t reign in the chance to insult someone who had a role in creating that horrible feeling that descends into your blood when your car is towed. The perception is that Britt came across like an immature bully, hurling personal insults like a glorified prom queen mad at the unpopular/pretty/artist/towing employee girl for getting a glance from the quarterback.

And soooo, ESPN suspended her for a week and there are calls for her to be fired. All of which is noise that will soon be drowned out by the next news story, be it a plane crash or a Bono broken bone or a bounce house flying away from a kids party.

Are they (Heidegger’s Das Man – from the german) judging Britt McHenry? Hell yes. For the right thing? Who cares? The towing employee is going to move on with her life and maybe she’ll even be able to afford veneers and weightwatchers after this as a result of some kickstarter for her and Britt will get on with her life and continue to spout meaningless minutae behind a microphone while secretly wondering “am I double parked?”

Sports Talk

"It is what it is."

"He is who he is."

"He does what he does."

You get paid to talk into a microphone!

I implore you, say something meaningful.

Pretty please, cherries on top.