Multiple liners

I thought the new Vacation remake with Ed Helms was funny. In fact, the scene where he tries to brake a la Vin Diesel made it hard for me to breathe I was laughing so hard. Anyone that gives this movie one star on IMDB needs to have their spleen removed with a dull soup spoon.  It’s not Proust, it’s a comedy. 

Ordered a new condenser mic; I hope it helps me sing better.

Excited for lunch today: mashed yeast with bean sprout extract and corn meal smoothie.

I think I read that almost half of all dentist preferred two thirds of flossing 1 out of 7 days per month but only half as much as brushing twice a day for ¾ of monthly conjugal visits.

My ironic t shirt would just be the definition of ironic but sideways.

Finding it harder to be erect these days.

2/23/2015 Jokes

I was a philosophy major in college and every girl I dated wondered why. 

My grandfather was a cold man: He shook my hand at my high school graduation and I got frost bite. His cards were always signed With Mild Consideration, and his cause of death was Emotional Infarction.

I dated a painter back in college. You know the type: emotional, messy, with brushes and paints strewn around. It didn’t work out. She never offered to paint me in the nude so I got drunk and told her one night how this pissed me off. She said she was a house painter and that if I paid any attention to her, I would know that. What am I a detective? I don’t go snooping around people’s jobs all day and listen to them talk about their work. And besides, how is a den different from my beer belly?

2/19/15 Joke

2 crew cut young men walk into a bar and one of them shouts “We just became navy seals, give us a shot!”

Bartender says: “We’re not hiring but if we need anything stuck to a flotilla, we’ll know who to call.”

Cliché Clash

Taking on more clichés:

Face the music

-unless, it’s shitty, then turn the other cheek

Fly by the seat of your pants

-because shit attracts flies

Fly on the wall

-because your pants are there

Full of piss and vinegar

-begins the worst recipe ever

Get off on the wrong foot

-said the foot fetishist who couldn’t tell right from left

Hit the ground running

-especially when the cops are after you

Hit the hay

-what did the hay ever do to you?

-and if it doesn’t hit back, take a roll in it.

I have not slept one wink

-until you’ve slept with Wink Martindale

I will wear my heart upon my sleeve

-and die shortly after

  Knock on wood

-because the doorbell is broken

Know the ropes

-before you bungee jump

Know which way the wind blows

-before you pee outside

Less is more

-unless you are Less Nessman

Let there be light

-because I lost my keys

Let your hair down

-it’s been on its feet all day

Middle of the road

-is about page 143, though I’m not a big Cormac McCarthy fan

Never the twain shall meet

-bullshit, this guy met the twain

New kid on the block

-is a whole lot better than the adult on the slab

Not playing with a full deck

-will lead to many a solitaire hands

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo

-in the last place you look

One for the road

-means a .08 for the breathalyzer

Out of sight, out of mind

-was never once uttered by Ray Charles

Paint the town red

-unless you plan to sell the town, then stick to a neutral color.

Play the race card

-in Las Vegas’ newest game, Prejudice Jack