Mr. Jones And Me

People that get paid to talk into a microphone should be better.

Are we asking too much of people that get paid to talk into a microphone?

Look, I can't afford the Amazon Audible app and I can't get books on CD because my toddler shoved a nickel in the CD player and the dealer wants a gazillion dollars to take the whole stereo out, retreive the nickel, and put the whole stereo back in, so I am stuck listening to the radio for my two hour daily commute. Don't judge me.

Ergo, sports talk radio is a part of my commute.



As soon as I heard it I asked Siri to send me a text:

Bomani Jones said "...there's literally, not a soul on the planet who can guard him."

I rolled my eyes harder than they've ever been rolled and then said something to the effect of:

"Jesus fucking christ!" then immediately turned the station.

A fucking polka station would be better than this!

Literally? LITERALLY?!?!?   Literally? LITERALLY?!?!?

OK Mr. Literally, how the fuck would a soul (a non-extended, immaterial, thinking substance) guard an extended, material substance?

It's the classic problem of parallelism you fuck!

Why would a soul even contemplate guarding an NBA player at all, let alone in the goddamn playoffs!

A soul can't even foul, even if he/she/it/god/monad/angel wanted to!


Just stop saying literally. This word must be banned.

Censorship is a last resort but this is a safety issue.

My safety issue.

Because if I hear another goddamn person who gets paid to talk into a microphone misuse it I am going to drive off a fucking bridge.

Safety first.

Please, give the mic to someone that knows how to use it:

Tone It Down

Mike Greenberg is starting to annoy the living and the deceased shit out of me.

I listen to ESPN radio on my lengthy commute sometimes and sheezuz is he just the worst.

For starters:

He uses “literally” incorrectly and a lot.

For after starters:

He said this morning that “by definition, Myles Garrett, plays run defense.”

Oh really, let us look up run defense real quick in the dictionary here. [flip, flip, flip] Hmm, it should be in here. [flip, flip, scan, flip] Nope, run defense isn’t in the dictionary.

For dessert:

Regarding the layoffs at ESPN yesterday he said: “Everyone who is conscious knows what happened at ESPN yesterday."

Literally, everyone who was conscious knows what happened at ESPN yesterday.

[Fierce eye roll]

No Mike, the vast majority of people, be they conscious, semi-conscious, conscientious, non compos mentis, Mentos-eating, or even Praying Manits do not, repeat, do not, know what happened at ESPN yesterday.

Here’s the thing Mike, even fewer people (please notice the use of “fewer” with a count noun, a grammar tip that could and should be shared with people that get paid to talk into a microphone) give a shit, be it figurative or literal shit, about what happened at ESPN yesterday. 

So Mike, tone the self-importance down a bit. Tone it down a ton actually.

Literally, a ton.

lit·er·al

ˈlidərəl,ˈlitrəl/

adjective

adjective: literal; adjective: literal-minded

1. 
   

taking words in their usual or most basic sense without metaphor or allegory

Literally: A Tale Of Injunction