Tone It Down

Mike Greenberg is starting to annoy the living and the deceased shit out of me.

I listen to ESPN radio on my lengthy commute sometimes and sheezuz is he just the worst.

For starters:

He uses “literally” incorrectly and a lot.

For after starters:

He said this morning that “by definition, Myles Garrett, plays run defense.”

Oh really, let us look up run defense real quick in the dictionary here. [flip, flip, flip] Hmm, it should be in here. [flip, flip, scan, flip] Nope, run defense isn’t in the dictionary.

For dessert:

Regarding the layoffs at ESPN yesterday he said: “Everyone who is conscious knows what happened at ESPN yesterday."

Literally, everyone who was conscious knows what happened at ESPN yesterday.

[Fierce eye roll]

No Mike, the vast majority of people, be they conscious, semi-conscious, conscientious, non compos mentis, Mentos-eating, or even Praying Manits do not, repeat, do not, know what happened at ESPN yesterday.

Here’s the thing Mike, even fewer people (please notice the use of “fewer” with a count noun, a grammar tip that could and should be shared with people that get paid to talk into a microphone) give a shit, be it figurative or literal shit, about what happened at ESPN yesterday. 

So Mike, tone the self-importance down a bit. Tone it down a ton actually.

Literally, a ton.

lit·er·al

ˈlidərəl,ˈlitrəl/

adjective

adjective: literal; adjective: literal-minded

1. 
   

taking words in their usual or most basic sense without metaphor or allegory

Literally: A Tale Of Injunction

Killin' Adjectives

I’m reading Ben Yagoda’s When You Catch An Adjective, Kill It and want to pass on something I lernt from the book.

Yes, lernt.

When should I use who as opposed to whom you ask.

If you shift around the words in the sentence and can use him or her, then whom is used, and if he or she is called for, then use who.

She was so nice she cleaned up the cat vomit.

So…

Who cleaned up the cat vomit?

Or…

It all came down to her.

And…

Whom did it come down to?

More fun than a squirrel in yer shorts.

Will I remember this little nugget? Prolly not but there is always hope.

Better yet, will you remember this little nugget?

I guess we’re asking whom will remember this little nugget.

JK😁

Hyperbole, Literally

Look man the death of John Saunders from ESPN made me sad. I liked him as a commentator. But for the love of fucking fucks when ESPN decides to air a moving, stirring tribute to him and misuses the word literally…well, some things need to happen. Talking about his daughters, John Ley said “They were literally the lights of his life.” Fuck! You get paid to write and talk into a microphone and you go and say something like that. Dammit man. I know my timing is bad, a man just died, but fuck, you are using the word in exactly the wrong way. Literally the lights of his life? Did he strap them to his car so he could see the road at night? Did he have them on his bedside table for a little night reading? Daughters aren’t fucking lights! They are human beings. God dammit why can’t people get this?

We should cancel the Olympics immediately, postpone the election, close all Starbucks until we have a nationwide seminar on the use of “literally”.

Dah! Here is an example:

She took my breath away.

This is figurative because I could still breathe when I saw her.

Asthma took my breath away.

This is literal because I couldn’t breathe.

See? Fuck!

They were the lights of my life.

This is figurative because they are human beings, not light bulbs.

They were always borrowing money from me and sneaking boys into the basement.

This is literal because I went broke in a hurry and the boys practically emptied the keg downstairs.

Dammit people, let’s literally do this. Now. Before it’s too late. Our very existence depends on it.

See now, that is hyperbole.

Or is it?

Your Daily Sign of The Apocalypse

Assuming Corona hires professional marketers to make their commercials. It is worth around, oh, 20 billion so yeah, they are gonna hire out. And these professionals, must have college degrees. Right? A little learnin' in their beans?

Not so fast sparky.

Check this out:

Catch that?

Here:

Christ! "Calories" is a count noun. One can count them: 1 calorie, 2 calories, 3 calories...

So, one uses the word "fewer".

Is it that hard? 

Use "less" when the noun can't be counted. Like, oh, I don't know: idiocy. Let's try it in a sentence.

There should be less idiocy in the Corona marketing ranks.