Dear Diary

My midlife crisis is, I guess, good for my physical health. I ran a 6:28 mile on Sunday and did a one and a half off the diving board. But still, the malaise of M's radiates and hums: Mid-life Marriage Mental Health Money all under the umbrella of Mortality...and the fact that I'm finite. I end. I am bound. Up in this world, with you people. What would I do without you though?

Converastion With Das Man

What’s on my mind lately?

“Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.”

Not really, I don’t’ have any money.

What is on my mind lately?

I turned 46 September 21^st.

4 years away from being 50. I majored in math.

Ran 3 miles this morning in 23:45. But on a treadmill so not exactly an 8:00 clip.

Still not bad considering I am 46 and that a substantial number of people never exercise.

Never?

Never.

But I still feel that a substantial number of those never-exercisers are better than me.

Das Man: Why?

They make money.

Das Man: Why is money the measure of a man?

Society tells me?

Das Man: Society tells you Brittney Spears is a musician, old people are worthless, and that the best way to sell a burger is hinting at a threesome. 

Das Man: Why would you listen to society?

The volume?

Das Man: Turn it down.

How?

Das Man: Put your attention elsewhere.

Is this the part where you tell me my worth isn’t measured by dollars or yearly salary or material wealth and that if I just focus on my worth in terms of warm relationships and strong interpersonal bonds, that I’ll find my value is high?

Das Man: No, your value is still low because you don’t have warm relationships and strong interpersonal bonds because you’ve been too busy being bitter about your fiduciary fuck-up-edness to invest in relationships. I think they call this a vicious cycle.

Is that some sort of new spinning cycle? Will it allow me to work out so hard I forget about being a worthless piece of shit?

Das Man: It depends.

On?

Das Man: How much you listen to society body shaming you into worthlessness if you aren’t’ ripped with triceps for days and pectorals that peak and abs you can wash clothes on.

Seems like society doesn’t want me to be happy.

Das Man: Society is inanimate, it doesn’t “want” anything. 

The better question is what do you want?

A threesome.