Jokes

Guy walks into a bar sloppy drunk and tries to order a shot of vodka.

The bartender says “I can’t serve you, you’re drunk.”

Guy says “this ain’t tennis, pour me a shot McEnroe.”

Ace

A would-be actor is rehearsing audition lines at home when his girlfriend comes home to hear him outside their apartment door.

“You take this filthy animal outta here and break his kneecaps” says the boyfriend.

Outside the door the girlfriend bursts in and says “no don’t do it!”

The boyfriend, script in hand, says “don’t do what?”

Girlfriend says “I thought you were going to hurt Fluffy.”

Boyfriend says “I would never hurt Fluffy, this part was written for your mom.”

I saw a guy walking on stilts at a parade recently, all smug and pretentious like.

I said “Hey Mr. 8 feet tall, if you want to impress me on those stilts, ride a unicycle.”

I was reading a self-help book recently and it said I need to be open to new experiences.

In this particular case I was open to the new experience of closing the book.

I was dating a german girl who didn’t like me very much so I said to her “why are you dating me if you don’t like me.”

She said, “I could tell you all about our culture and about the concept of schadenfreude but the truth is, I dig your wiener schnitzel.”

I was going to coach my son in little league baseball this year but he said “that’s ok dad, with this video game, I can get a virtual Tommy Lasorda if I want so you can just watch your porn if you want.”

I can’t get into the whole world cup soccer fever like everyone else. Something about the metrosexuality of the athletes makes me feel inferior and like I don’t have enough hair gel every time I watch.