He brined his turkey every thanksgiving but felt the need to
make sure the turkey didn’t get the bends.
He once ran a 10k in rain boots in an effort to bring
awareness to sufferers of chafing.
He loved ABBA’s early stuff but felt they eventually sold
out.
He thought dawnzerly light was a special kind of light
referenced in the Star Spangled Banner.
He religiously listened to A Prairie Home Companion because he
thought Garrison Keillor would eventually dole out the recipe for Bebop-a-rebop
Rhubarb Pie.
His best impression
was a one word Emerill Lagasse impression – “bam!” even though he was too shy
to do it at parties.
He often got cravings for little Debbie snack cakes but
figured she must have a trust fund by now.
He was trapped under a mountain of
snow. The blizzard arrived much sooner than anyone or any computer had
predicted. And here he was, cold and shivering in a stalled Chevy Volt out in
the middle of nowhere. What he wouldn’t give for some electricity. What would
he give? Would he give a finger? Which one if he did? Not the thumb, he wouldn’t
give the thumb. He had read enough about evolution not to give up the thumb. If
he survives this ordeal he’ll need to grab things. What’s the point of living
if you can’t grab anything, like a sandwich or something? And what form would
the electricity come in even if he did give up a digit, other than the thumb?
Would it be just sitting in a wire – what was the word for stored up energy –
kinetic? - of no real application, or would the electricity come in some useful
form like a working space heater? He was hungry too…thinking about grabbing a
sandwich didn’t help matters. If push came to shove he could eat a sandwich without
grabbing it. It wouldn’t be pretty but he figured if he could install some sort
of backstop, to keep the sandwich from moving backwards, he could always just
use his mouth and face to force it forwards into his mouth. He began to think
about giving up a thumb. Which hand though? He was right handed so the left
made sense but he had always promised himself he would learn to play guitar,
especially Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple. He began to think about the
sandwich backstop and how he forgot he would have two hands and he could always
grab a sandwich with one hand. He hardly every ate a sandwich with two hands.
But guitar, gonna need two hands. Wasn’t there some guy on youtube that played
with his feet though? Would he give up his feet for some electricity? That
seemed like the better option. Sure we walk on our feet but they never grab
anything, feet are more like balancing stumps. He could always get a prosthetic
foot and still get around, even in a blizzard like this.
This is what happens when you watch your toddler’s movie a
million times.
There are soooooooooooo many mistakes in Planes: Fire
and Rescue that should they decide to make a third, ahem, “film,” like oh I don’t
know, Planes III: Propellers Down!, I
should be hired as a consultant.
The proof.
How the hell would any plane or forklift or four wheeled
vehicle of any sort get a picture on a wall? How would they even develop film?
So absurd.
When they bring down the water tower, what did they use to
throw the hooks? Tires? Propellers? Don’t think so. Point for me.
The bar scene. Don’t get me started. A tow motor throws a
dart. Doubt it. Doubt it even more that a puny dart could flatten the tire of a
monster 4x4. Unrealistic to the max. (Did like the joke about the "pick up truck" and his line - "Did you just drop out of a B13? Cuz you're the bomb.")
The scene where the old couple, Winnie and Harvey, are entering
the park, he has a huge stack of tires stacked on top of the vehicle and then
they show the entrance, he could NEVER make it under without taking some tires
off.
And lastly, Dusty Crophopper’s eyes (as if!) are located on
his windshield. (And oh by the by, does it freak no one else out that these
machines have teeth?) And yet, he looks at his altimeter and other instruments
which are located INSIDE his cab. It would be like he is looking inside
himself. So stupid. How did they miss this in editing? Sloppy work.
Hard not to overlook these. It’s gotten to the point where
the only redeeming quality of this film is that Curtis Armstrong, or “Booger”
from the Revenge of the Nerds movies, was cast as Maru, the genius mechanic tow motor/forklift.
Seriously, I ask to know: What is it like to be enormously
successful, revered, touted, praised, what some to be considered man-beautiful,
touted as the best quarterback of all time in a billion dollar sport, insanely
wealthy, have hosted the greatest sketch comedy show that has ever aired, have
owned a home with a moat, and last but not least be married to a supermodel
that actually makes more money than you…and know deep down in places we don’t like
to talk about at cocktail parties, that you are a cheater.
