Well the xmas holiday has come and
gone and all I can say is, I may hate xmas.
Now if I know anybody, I know you;
and you my friend are one of the most centered, close-to-self-actuallized-as-anyone-I-know
type of people. So this may not resonate with you because you are so goddamned
self-aware and level headed so my apologies up front.
I am not self-aware or level headed
or keep an even keel of any kinds of sort. I have no idea what makes me tick or
why I do what I do, while I’m doing it or after I’ve done it. Sort of.
But this particular xmas I may have
become AWARE of a few things.
Now I am aware that I grew up poor
and that I bore much more sensitivity to this growing up than my younger
brother. For example, I never in a million years would have brought a girl to
my house due to the conditions, yet my brother dated the prom queen and
mysteriously had no reservations about bringing her home. So I do know that I
am sensitive to the poverty I grew up in. CHECK.
I am also aware that I am not
exactly the world’s biggest fan of religion in general and catholicism specifically.
A couple of philosophy degrees and a few history books can do that to a guy.
So now, (in Gru voice: “lightbulb”)
take the holiday that uniquely celebrates materialism and christianity, wad it
up into a big ole ball of bitterness and marginalization and judgment and stuff
that down my piehole till I choke.
So when I found myself tense enough
to bounce dimes off of me about the gift exchanges and the xmas mass with the in-laws
I think I had what some call, an epiphany.
I may not like xmas. Now don’t get me
wrong, I like giving gifts and seeing people smile, heck I love new socks, I
like get togethers and breaking break…I’m not some misanthrope or Debbie Downer
who pu pu’s anything that the masses love. Full disclosure, I bought that Paula
Abdul album back in the day so there’s no arguing I hate anything popular.
I just don’t like it when I feel
judged. And you, yes you, are judging me about my ability to provide gifts a la
fiduciary gain and about my morality or lack thereof, especially on this
holiday we call christmas.
Tis tough for a poor kid from the
rust belt who’s gonna burn in hell.
But, maybe the devil will throw me
a bone and play some Paula Adbul down in the soul furnace.
“Or I am I caught in
a hit and run…”
