Like So Many Lies In His Ears

She was going to ruin his night. She was going to ruin his weekend. She was going to ruin him.

How’s that for an introduction, he thought to himself. And then nothing. He couldn’t be satisfied with another word, sentence or paragraph. It was too maudlin, or too personal, or not edgy enough. Nothing worked…beyond those first three sentences. 

“But they were/are so good” he lamented out loud to the cat and the ficus. He thought he heard the cat say “not that good.” He thought the ficus shivered and seemed to defecate a leaf. He knew what this meant. They weren’t that good. 

Like fake fingernails, he was going to press on. 

Think, dammit, let it flow. The cat jumped up on the desk and interrupted the early morning sun coming in from the window. Shadows, darkness, he thought. 

She was his light when they met, no, she was the light when they met. Only by her , through her could he see. But always behind him, a shadow.

“That’s fucking terrible” the cat said. “When you stop fellating yourself over the first three sentences, you should scrap em all then hang yourself.” The ficus shivered again then shat a number of leaves. “I don’t need this shit from you guys” he bombed. “I can’t edit or rewrite if I don’t get anything on the damn page. Get some opposable thumbs and be my guest, have fucking at it if you think you’re better than me!” He was freaking. “Oh, what’s that? You don’t have thumbs! No shit you don’t have thumbs. Tell you what, I’ll sew on some thumbs so you can stick them up your ass then in your pie hole so I can get some friggin work done!” 

She was a liar, a complete, unadulterated, chronic liar; to everyone. Her boyfriend, her roommates, her parents and especially herself.

“Better” said the cat.

All the lies, after so many, and for so long took a toll on her. The toll was the truth. It had no meaning for her anymore. She might even have spouted it a few times but she wouldn’t, couldn’t have known because it was blurred and so totally diluted through years of lying. The toll was the truth, of her. She lost herself through lies upon lies upon lies. How can you know yourself when you won’t stick to anything? How can you know yourself when you won’t draw a line in the sand; just keep moving it to where you  no longer exist as a line drawer at all. She vanished. The truth of her was gone like so many lies in his ears.

“Now you can suck your own dick” the cat said. “Tain’t bad.” The ficus stood tall and proud.

It was true of course. All of it. She was a liar and  did lose herself. She was horrible. But what did that say about him?

The Royal You

We asked, The Royal You Answered

Pope Francis met privately with Kim Davis, the county clerk in Kentucky who defied a court order to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Pope Francis gave her rosaries and told her to “stay strong.” What do you think the pope meant by stay strong?

I think he was referring to her bench press. 150lbs. Not bad. - Taryn Boyonet, Professional Smirker

I think he meant she should continue to keep fighting for heterosexual rights. - Archie Manguyveson, Historical Weed Whacker

I think he meant what he said and I think we can all agree on that, plain and simple. - Kim Drakes, Editorial Board Designer

The Royal You

We asked, The Royal You Answered

Planned Parenthood is under fire lately and many republican presidential candidates are talking about defunding the organization. Are you comfortable funding Planned Parenthood?

Depends. Can I fund them online, sitting in my ez boy? – Mitchell Sanderson, Claims Denier

Being a parent is the hardest job anyone will ever have. If this group can babysit once in a while, We’re all for it. – Hans & Ladybird Arbuckle, Early Bird Specials Enthusiasts

I support a woman’s right to choose where she can have picketers insult her and judge her mercilessly. – Fozzie Tumult, Umbrella Holder Engineerer

Betcha

Hugh: There was a time I rode a roller coaster, from Coney Island to Key West, I held on with one finger, so the other ten could rest.

Mick: Harry Connick Jr, not to be confused with Sammy Davis Jr.

Hugh: Out there is a fortune waiting to be had, if you think I’ll let it go you’re mad.

Mick: Judas Priest, not to be confused with Judas Iscariot, Rob Halford, of the Halford’s of Halfordville.

Hugh: Nicole is my oldest friend but the altar’s empty and she’ll never be a little girl again.

Mick: Adam Duritz, Counting Crows, not his best line. Too obvious.

Hugh: Her placenta falls to the floor.

Mick: Live, polish name, close enough.

Hugh: Black antennae waiving.

Mick: Dave Matthews, douche.

Hugh: Nine feet high and six feet wide.

Mick: John Denver, grandma’s feather bed. I seriously doubt the measurements. He was a stoner.

Hugh: Flag pole racking and the wind won’t stop.

Mick: Winger.

Hugh: WRONG!!!! The Police!

Mick: No wonder I didn’t know it. The Police suck.

Hugh: How can you not know it? They repeat lines like a billion times a song!

Mick: Which only proves they suck.

Hugh: You were still wrong and I win the bet. Pay up.

Mick: Fine, I’ll clean your bidet.

Hugh:and…

Mick: after a night of heavy drinking…

Hugh: of only the worst malt liquor available

Mick: Fine.

Hugh: and…

Mick: Copious amounts of chili and kashi cereal.

Hugh: You should think about the kind of bets you take.

Mick: You should think about your intestines.

Hugh: My intestines should think about my intestines.

Mick: The Police?

Out-pricing the Palate

Out-pricing the Palate

So celebrated the old bday with a dinner at Al Forno in God’s Plan Rhode Island. 

The meal was just incredible. And here’s a thought my wife and I had as we devoured our food. We paid 3x the price for a meal at Spago out in the city of angels and the food was nowhere near as good. 

But, when you look at a menu and there is a steak for $135, can the food ever live up to the price tag? Psychologically, I am skeptical.

There is a balancing act that restaurants must walk between pricing and customer satisfaction. 

Al Forno was better in all ways but one. Ambiance. Al Forno is loud and a little claustrophobic. 

But the food, my joe pesci man, the food. Worth being seated next to a hipster and his beard and overhearing the hullaballoo at the table across the room.

Before the end of the meal, I doubled down: “Book it, we are coming here for my next birthday!”

All Hail Al Forno!

The Will

The will interests me.

In the movie Runaway Train, Jon Voight kept yelling "You don't know what you are capable of!"

I think the will is a part of capability.

For me, having finished two marathons to date, I think that the will is in some sense, choosing something, perhaps over something else and often, something you don't, at present, want.

Choice...

is choice at all a meaningful concept for addicts?

Is addiction a disease?

Now consider obesity.

Is choice a meaningful concept in obesity?

This story from NPR:

Obesity Maps Put Racial Differences On Stark Display

"It is the largest epidemic of a chronic disease that we've ever seen in human history," says Dr. Donald Lloyd-Jones, chair of the department of preventive medicine at the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine.

Chronic disease. Human History.

Is it meaningful to believe that the will needs exercise, just like the heart or other muscles?

When is nuance important and when is nuance merely subterfuge for a black and white crux that we simply don't like to accept?

The will.

The will to...

Accept the Crux

Bruce Springsteen’s Birthday

Today is Bruce Springsteen’s Birthday…so…the top5 perks of being Bruce Springsteen

5. As close, personal friend of Steven Van Zandt, got to be a guest on a set that wasn’t Goodfellas

4. Knows that Courtney Cox owes him one

3. Lifetime key to Asbury Park Grand Arcade Space Invaders game

2. As the result of winning a double elimination rocks, paper, scissors match, gets to apply deodorant to Max Weinberg before every gig

1. Had to serve no jail time after assaulting Tony Danza outside a New Jersey bar after Danza insulted Springsteen by claiming that “He was the boss!”