Dear 0166789,

Dear 0166789,

It was never meant to be what it turned out to be. There was nothing malevolent intended. Never. It just morphed into something horrible and tragic. You must know that by now. You must know that, though I don’t believe in it, destiny chose you. And while it is for all the wrong reasons, and again while I don’t believe it and am using destiny as a purely didactic device, destiny and you met up that night. If I could take it back I would, I would a million times. If I could change the horrible truth of this and get you out of there, get you out of all that you have already endured, I would. You must know that. All your hate can’t change your knowledge. It may color it but it won’t transubstantiate. Though I hate the language and don’t believe it myself but in your situation you must hear it a lot that things happen for a reason. I hope this helps you though I don’t believe it, personally. It must give you some sense of closure, some sense of meaning, some sense of worth, some sense of direction, even if you never get out. Live that lie, or call it truth if you want, because while not objectively true, it can be your truth and you can use it for your life, your life, your precious, if confined life. Make your life something more than your circumstances. I know this must sound smug and easy to say while I am free out here and you are in there but it doesn’t mean it can’t be what you do. Don’t let the situation define you, don’t, just don’t. Rise up and believe anything you need to believe. Make a circle square if you have to, just live with meaning. Meaning that gets you up in the morning despite your horrid conditions and lays you to bed at night giving you the satisfaction for some semblance of sleep in that place. I am sorry it has taken me this long to write but I was worried you wouldn’t even acknowledge a communication if sent too early. Please don’t blame me and please don’t live out your days blaming and bitter – that won’t help you or anybody else. Was it your fault? No, it wasn’t. But we didn’t get to make the formal call of fault, or guilt or innocence or responsible or any moral judgement. That was out of our hands. But can’t you agree that fault and its kin are just words now, just words in your destiny, again though I don’t believe it, it just seems to suit your situation. Your destiny is in no doubt tragic, no doubt at all but, and I don’t want to get too Leibnitzian here, but this has got to serve some greater good, though I don’t believe that way, can’t we fake it till we make it, if you will. Can’t we proceed under this umbrella that we have to turn this into a greater future good, though Leibnitz himself said that god, the one I don’t believe in, must be perfect in actuality and not potentiality so as to be perfect at all. I just think that if you make lemonade out of these lemons you can if not yourself, help someone else. Isn’t that what it’s all about anyway? Helping others? You must think this is the best course of action. You can take courses right? You have access to books. I know you know I’m sorry, in your heart of hearts but what did you want me to do? I didn’t judge you, you know that. I wasn’t the one who decided your fate. You know I was a pawn, a bit player, I was not, and you know it, the change agent. I wasn’t even an enzyme. I was basically a bystander, yes just someone in the wron

Anyway,

I hope you understand. Do something with yourself.

Art

Someone Told You So

Remember when I posted this http://heavylevity.blogspot.com/2015/02/footlong-hot-dogs.html

and you all failed to comment which really just showed your apathetic apathy toward sexism and the objectification of women?

Well maybe this will jog your memory:

For Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr., Sex Sells

• Suzanne Vranica

In an effort to appeal to consumers who are increasingly reaching for healthier food options, many fast-food chains are relying heavily on ads that tout freshness and quality. But not CKE Restaurants Inc., the owner of burger chains Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr.

The company, which is controlled by Roark Capital, is sticking with sex to hawk its latest highly caloric burger.
New ads promoting “The Most American Thickburger” feature Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Samantha Hoopes donning an American flag bikini as she frolics in a hot tub on the back of a pickup truck.
Ads aren’t the only thing likely to raise eyebrows. The newest menu item is a Fourth of July-inspired burger that features a beef patty topped with hot dogs and a layer of potato chips. It clocks in at over 1,000 calories and 64 grams of fat.
Brad Haley, CKE’s chief marketing officer, talked to CMO Today about why the chain is sticking with sex to sell its latest burger, how menu items can generate buzz without advertising and why TV is a stronger ad vehicle than digital.

WSJ: Does sex sell better than that healthy messages?
Mr. Haley: We advertise in a way that appeals our target–young, hungry guys. Sometime they like attractive models. Sometimes our ads are funny or they have an edge to them.
We are not afraid to take a chance to build our relationship with our target audience, 18-to-34-year-old males. If it’s something they love but maybe their moms and dads don’t approve of, in a lot of ways that can help us form a stronger bond with our target.
Also we don’t always use women. It’s a mix. But it’s those ads that generate the most buzz so it seems as if we do that more often than we do.
WSJ: How do you avoid crossing the line with your ads, which typically feature scantily clad models?
Mr. Haley: Our sales are always the ultimate measure of whether or not we have gone too far. These kinds of ads have almost always been successful for us. In today’s world, an ad has to work on multiple levels. It has to drive primary demand for the product and it also has to work harder than ad did a generation go because it’s easier now to avoid advertising. People have to really want to watch. Our ads typically generate hundreds of millions dollars of free media [publicity].
WSJ: Is the publicity all positive?
Mr. Haley: The vast majority. Andy Puzder, our CEO, is famous for saying “if we are not getting complaints then you don’t know if the ad is being noticed.”
WSJ: How long have you been using scantily-clad models in your ads?
Mr. Haley: One of the first times we used a celebrity was Paris Hilton in 2005.  That was the ad that made our ad approach go from interesting to closer to iconic.
WSJ: How do you come up with these wacky burger combinations?
Mr. Haley: We were the first chain to develop meat-on-meat burger like the Pastrami Burger.
The idea is taking the great American sandwiches and putting them on a burger. When Jay Leno was on the ‘Tonight Show’ he said “you know things are getting bad when meat becomes a condiment.”
WSJ: How much do you spend annually on advertising?
Mr. Haley: We spend about $130 million.
WSJ: Which media do you still spend the bulk of your ad dollars on?
Mr. Haley: Television gets most of our spending.  It’s the medium that drives sales to the greatest degree. Every year digital and social becomes a bigger percentage of our spending but it still has a long way to go to match the number of eyeballs that TV can deliver and also the effectiveness of a TV ad.
Someone seeing a banner ad on a Web site somewhere may deliver eyeballs but it doesn’t deliver the impact of a television ad, yet.
Digital is the future but it has a long way to go.
WSJ: Given the obesity problems in this country, do you have any remorse in continually selling this kind of highly caloric food?
Mr. Haley: We feel like it’s important to have healthy choices on our menu and we pioneered many of them such as the charbroiled chicken and charbroiled codfish sandwiches. We also had the first low carb burger. But we know that our target customer likes big, indulgent burgers.
WSJ: Has there been a burger combination that has failed?
Mr. Haley:  There have been several such as a mashed potato burger. We are in test right now with the Flaming Hot Cheetos Burger. That has Cheetos in a cheddar cheese sauce on it. It remains to be seen how that one does.
It’s great when the burger combinations create a lot of media attention.  But we are not into doing burgers to create buzz. They have got to taste great and sell well.
WSJ: How much publicity has “The Most American Thickburger” gotten?
Mr. Haley:  In just one week, it has generated over 1 billion earned media impressions through PR alone, equating to millions of dollars in advertising value. The advertising hasn’t even begun.

Someone Forgot Memorial Day

Memorial Day weekend is almost upon us. Do you know what memorial means? From the latin memo, it refers to notes taken by secretaries to help bosses remember to get milk and eggs on the way home. All kidding aside it means something to remember. So did you remember the milk and eggs? Sheeesh, you are such a nincompoop. 

Well in this case Memorial Day is about remembering those who died serving in the military.  I hope you are prepared to do that as you shop some great memorialday sales. What says thank you to the men and women in uniform more than some new bass lures and office supplies? Well, first you have to grill out and get your drink on. Oh and don’t forget the chips and salsa. What are you an asshole? It’s memorial day weekend and you didn’t pick up chips and salsa. Why did we even win Vietnam if you can’t remember to get some chips and salsa to honor the fallen? God, you might be a communist. What next Lenin potato salad on the menu? Please tell me you got the hot dogs? We might as well not even pay tribute to freedom fighters if you forgot the wieners. But you forgot the buns! Good god Trotsky, what is this to you, some sort of trivial day off? This is about people fighting for your freedom, dying in action so you can enjoy liberty and the pursuit of happiness, even if you did forget the frozen limeade we use for margaritas. Good god man, have some respect. On a weekend like this one you forget. Well you know what they say, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Thank god for this holiday and how important it is in helping us remember how costly war is. Even if Mr. Slipmymind here has to run back out to the store for some hot dog buns. Why do they sell them in different counts than hot dogs?

The Swedish Chef and Adulthood

Had a weird experience this weekend. 

Was driving with my wife and kids this weekend and we were imitating the Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show saying “oh the shrimpies” and just, genuinely, having a ball – the toddler was laughing, we were laughing, laughing at our laughing. And out of nowhere I thought of the incredible depraved debauchery and barely legal hedonism that counted as having a ball during my high school, college, grad school, post grad, late twenties, early thirties, and mid thirties and how far it is from imitating the Swedish chef for a toddler’s delight. 

Have I [gasp!] grown up? 

But here’s the thing, if I have grown up, I’m freaked out and if I haven’t grown up, I’m freaked out. 

Commencement Season

It is Commencement Speech season so…

...Graduates, parents, grandparents, faculty, administrators, siblings, future students, and pets I welcome you to the 2015 Commencement for Our Sister of The Worthless Miracle College!

Please turn your iphones to blare and feel free to tweet, facetime, snapchat, Facebook, and even Myspace…anything to draw the attention away from me. Because if the honoraria is any indication of my worth, then you might as well YouTube some skateboard fails right now. And by the way, how am I not getting an honorary degree today. Did you run out of tassels or something? Just give me a PhD and a parking sticker and we’re all good here.

Before I go any further, like on to a real school, I want everyone to stand and give a hand to the graduates today.

[applause]

Thank you, thank you, they’ve earned it don’t you think? I mean who else could have not been employed for 4 years. Ok, that’s enough, we don’t want them to get bigger heads. It already looks like a Southpark episode down there.

[motions to graduates]

As an alum I am so proud to be back here today; It brings joy to my heart to come back to the place where I learned so much about life: about how to throw up so the RA’s won’t hear me, or replacing bong water without the RA’s seeing me, and something from Psych 101.

I know you graduates will come to appreciate this place too. Your time here will be the best years of your life, mainly because your parents were paying for it. But you will look back upon these four to seven years with great fondness and little money, and maybe even an STD.

But commencement means to begin. We are here today because you are creating a new beginning; A new life with new challenges, like paying your car insurance, and not passing out when you see your first student loan bill, or going on a date that costs more than a twelve pack.

But you can do it. You have been given tools through these four years here. You learned to pick the RA’s lock, steal cutlery from the cafeteria, drink your weight on Saturday afternoons then throw it up on Saturday nights. You’ve got talent! But be forewarned, there will be doubters, naysayers who remember the time you did the walk of shame in different colored socks, or the time you made out with the statue on college green, and how about the time you tried to do a keg stand and fractured your tongue. But just let the haters hate graduates. You’ve got work to do.

Well, as soon as you find a j-o-b, you’ve got work to do. Which will be another challenge. It’s tough out there even though your resume is stacked with obfuscation, duplicity, and other big words. And even though you interned at Gigawhat?! Media last summer learning how to roll joints, fart on cue, and edit cat videos, you could still have a tough time finding g a job. But you will persevere graduates. Did you give up when you failed that BIO exam? No, you bribed the TA with pot brownines and a handy. That my friends is called moxy. Did you give up when Judiciaries put you on probation for imitating a campus police officer at the sorority house? Hell no, you forged a letter from the Sorority president and got back to work on the force. That’s taking the initiative friends! You’ve got what it takes to get a job.

Now you could skip all that and go to grad school but seriously, how many more brain cells can you kill? Graduate school partying makes undergrad look like pin the tail on the donkey. Only in grad school the donkey is real and you literally have to pin a diaper pin to the donkeys testes, while on ecstasy. But maybe you will go to grad school to get more skizzills. It may be good for you to delay something beyond a text that isn’t returned in 2 nanoseconds. You kids and your damn phones…hold on a sec

[gets call on cell]

“Ha ha, yeah right, no hey I’m actually giving a speech here, can I, no not the rotary club, but can I call you back, oh but hey send me those pics, the naked ones. Kay, bye”

[ends call]

Where was I? Keg stands? No, no delaying gratification. You can do that too. When you came here 4 years ago you were a snot nosed punk with dreams of grandeur and a bad haircut. Look at you now, you’ve got a nose ring and a stupid looking hat on and last night you dreamed you came, laude. You can do it graduates. 

And you’ve got support! Parents will you support them?

[raises hands – applause]

Trust me, they’ll support you. “But you’ll have to move to the basement on account of Nanna moving in. And you’ll have to help with the chores and chip in for food and bills and mow the lawn and walk the dog and not eat any of dad’s pickles, you know he loves those pickles. Oh and can you stop and get some bunion cream from target on the way home.”

What I’m saying is, buck up, get out there, take some chances, take some risks, live a little; you don’t need support, you need backbone. And you’ve got it. Because I saw you steal it from the gross lab.

So take that stolen backbone and get out there and make your mark on the world. Don’t settle, unless they just have too much evidence against you, don’t take no for an answer, unless there’s a restraining order, don’t give in to fear, give in to your lack of talent though, otherwise you are just wasting your valuable time.

And time is so precious. I mean think back about the last 4 years and how fast it has gone by. Seems like only yesterday you got buzzed on two beers and knew absolutely nothing about sociology or physics. The time has flown by and you can now drink a 12 pack before the game and wax poetic about the Kardashians. Don’t let it slip away graduates. You’ve got to grab life by the balls, and I know you can, because I saw you do it in the gross lab. 

I’d like to end with a little story. It was my junior year and I had a crush on Jamie Lee who lived across the quad. I’d heard that she had broken up with her boyfriend so I asked her out. She laughed in my face and mocked my acne. But you know what, I got some clearasil, worked out all year and then saw her at a party senior year. I said “remember when I asked you out and you laughed in my face?” She said “I do and this is my boyfriend Hans from the hockey team who will now commence to beating the shit out of you.” And Hans did beat the shit out of me. But you know what, I met my future wife, a nursing major at the time, in the emergency room when they put my nose back on, so it all worked out.

And it will all work out for you graduates. As soon as you put your damn phone down…

[dials out]

“Hey I just got those pics. Send me the other ones, with the mules and the twins.”

[thunderous applause]