David Hume vs. Hue Jackson

“Bark little doggie. Bark or you won’t get a treat.”

The dog tilted its head and lifted its ears.

“Fucking bark, pooch. You want the treat don’t you? Bark.”

The dog didn’t understand and the dog didn’t go on to bark.

Fast forward thirty years. The dog is dead but the former owner is still alive. Much has changed about his life over the last thirty years. Let us ask ourselves if he learned anything from the doggie didn’t bark failure. Certainly cursing didn’t make a difference as there were two trials, one with cursing and one without, yet neither yielded a bark. One could certainly be tempted to make such a bold proclamation; one could even proctor lamentation but it wouldn’t change the most important fact:

ONE CAN NEVER ACCOUNT FOR ALL THE VARIABLES.

Why am I yelling? So you can hear me and because it is important. Shhhh. Quit now, in a hushed whisper:

You can never account for all the variables.

Better?

GOOD!

Just kidding. About yelling, not the important fact.

Hume called it contiguity and it is different from causation.

Causation is a big fat myth. If we can never account for all the variables.

Whoa, did I just say that causation is a myth, and body shame at the same time?

Don’t digress on me cause we’re going to need a bigger boat on this one if causation is a myth. But then, if causation is a myth, the size of our boat won’t matter one iota, hell, iotas won’t matter, nothing will matter and not in the sense of nothing being something, rather not one thing will matter, and this includes nothing, heck it includes everything. Doesn’t matter.

But wait, what does causation have to do with the price of tea in china?

Well if we can’t account for all the variables, which we can’t, then contiguity is the best we can get, well, (gasp) deduction, causation, certainty, (double gasp), it’s all…undeduction, uncaused, uncertain, well, except for the Browns losing 12 games this year, that my friends we can bank on.

Hugh Jackson can tell Hume to take his contiguity and shove it up red right 88, cause (see what I did there, with cause?) we’re losing 12 games this year, easy. I’ve got one qb older than Moses and another with knees made of frito lays, my defense can’t register a sack at a grocery check-out, my o-line is like a sieve, and my receivers all have endorsements with Butterfinger candy bars. 12 games easy.