Something Of A Cult Hero

It was the speech to end all speeches. And it went something like this. Well wait hold on a sec, before we get to the speech, maybe I should just interject that, maybe even preface, that what I am about to tell you is of the best stories ever. Ever. So listen up punchie.

He was your classic nerd, geek, dweeb and he was picked on mercilessly by the jocks, the teachers, the teacher’s pets, the pets, the girls, the cafeteria workers, and even the kids in marching band. But he never broke. He was chipper and had vision; he knew it was temporary and that someday they would all  a)work for him b)get fired by him c)owe him d)bow down like the serfs and peons he knew they were. But before all that could happen he would have to survive. 

To survive he would need a speech. A speech to match Roosevelt, Kennedy, Churchill, and “you can’t handle the truth!” He would search YouTube, listen to podcasts, take a public speaking course at the local community college, join toastmasters, referee little league, recite the sermon on the mount in front of a Wendy’s, whatever it took. It was painstaking, it was exhausting, and it was a nightmare on par with Game of Thrones. He got better, …and better, and finally was ready to rock.

But when? How about the talent competition? Too obvious. How about usurping the mic at a football game? Too fascistic. How about prom? Can’t afford the tux. That left graduation. It would be harder in that cap but doable. 

Because the teachers didn’t like him he didn’t get valedictorian because of an A- in AP Nuclear Engineering. This meant he was going to have to bum rush some unsuspecting speaker and knock the wind out of them with a stiff bolo punch to the floating rib. That or pepper spray. Or a tazer. A tazer it is. On Ms. Remenschneider, the Asst.Principal who was to wax about blah blah blah right before the valedictorian. 

Getting Ms. Remenschneider out of the way was going to be easy. The tazer was LA police department endorsed; but he would have to win the crowd quickly if he wasn’t going to be immediately removed by security. He told an usher he “had to take a dump” and moved closer to the stage, slowly, carefully lifting the tazer out of his undies under a cloud of oboe laden classical music. Stealthy, tactful, under the radar he loomed ever so close to the stage as Ms. Remenschneider rose to the podium.

Zzzzt! She was a lump of jostling electricity next to the podium. Before even a shriek could get out he pounced on the mic. “Residents of Barberton,” - but before he could even get the next word out he was tazed…and a heap of jostling electricity on top of Ms. Remenschnieder. 

What he didn’t know was that the only person more despised than him was Ms. Remenschneider. Apparently she had been blackmailing students, faculty, and staff for years and spending the money on Nickelback meet and greets. And while he never got to give the speech he practiced for an entire school year, the street cred he earned from tazing Mrs. Remenscneider made him something of a cult hero. 

And while they never bowed down to him like serfs and peons, the video of him tazering Ms. Remenschneider did get 1,000 hits on youtube.