NFL Coach Wanted

What if you could only talk with tautologies? 

A tautology is a statement that is always true. 

For example, “it’s either raining or it isn’t” is always true. 

For starters, you could probably get though any press conference as an NFL coach. 

“Our players really played out there today. Now they came up short and lost because we didn’t win. At the end of the day, the team has to win if we want to be in a position of not losing. Now as the coach who has responsibility for wins and losses, I take responsibility for this loss. This is not to say my coaches didn’t coach, because they did, they coached out there today. We just didn’t execute because we didn’t accomplish our plays and we certainly didn’t outperform the winning team, as far as scoring. This is certainly a tough loss for this team because it hurts, this loss, a lot. I’ll take some questions or interrogative statements now.”

Coach, to start the second half you took out the starting qb and replaced him with the backup. “I felt like we were dimming and needed a spark so I put Kurt in because he provides some flash off the bench. Look, Kurt is who he is and Sam is who Sam is. I would not ask Kurt to be Sam nor would I ask Kurt to be Sam. I want those guys to be who they are; that is my desire. What good would it do this team if Kurt was not Kurt and Sam was not Sam? We need our players to play and our quarterbacks to qb. This is not rocket science, it’s football.”

Coach, the defense gave up 21 points in the 4^th quarter. Is the defense out of shape? “Well I think we should have played better because giving up 21 points in one quarter is not good enough. Was the defense gassed? They were on the field quite a bit because the offense had a lot of 3 and outs which means the defense has to go right back on the field after the punt, so really a total of four plays, if you count the punt, which is a play, it’s just a punt play. Look, I stand by my guys, just look at the replays, I am right there beside them. I believe in my guys, otherwise I wouldn’t believe in them at all. You just can’t expect the defense to play well for an eternity because that is too long for the defense to be on the field. We have Gatorade but at some point guys would need a full meal and a nap – look my point is that the defense was out there too long and that they were out there too long because the offense wasn’t out there long enough. All of us have to play together if we are going to do this thing, playing as a team.”

Coach, your record is now 4-9, do you feel you are on the hot seat? “I hold myself to a high standard, a standard that requires a lot from me if I am going to meet the standards I set for myself, which are high. This is a results league where winning and losing determines the results. I know that, you know that, the owner knows that, the players know that, the fans know that…this is known by everyone…and I don’t deny it. How could I, when everyone knows it? I get paid to coach, when I fill out my W2, I put down coach. And I’m going to coach this team until I am no longer coaching this team. The press doesn’t fire me, the owner fires me and if I’m fired, I’m fired. It is what it is in this league and it’s not what it isn’t. We all understand the facts that are understood by everyone. At the end of the day we are 4-9 as you pointed out and our record reflects our wins and losses. Right now I am the coach, this instant, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to leave because it is time to go.”