An international land and sea search for a missing Malaysian
jetliner is covering an area the size of Australia. But there is some good news;
Courtney Love has stepped forward to help with the mystery. Courtney, there are
no drugs or eyeliner on the jet. Now you can go back to producing your greatest
hits album entitled ‘The Whole Hole’.
Get this, Kate Winslet
named her son Bear Blaze. Relax people. Polar Pyre, Fox Fire, and Moose Match
were not even close to being in the running.
Apparently March Madness has its cost: Researchers estimate
that the cost of employees filling out brackets at work is 1.2 billion and
another 660 million because employees are watching games at work. But the same
researchers failed to mention that the profits from Buffalo wings, nachos, and
beer quadruple those estimates. And that’s just from Chris Christie’s first
round!
Rachel Canning recently sued her
mother and father for financial support and college tuition but decided to drop
the lawsuit on Tuesday, according to a decision by a Superior Court judge in New
Jersey. In a statement issued by her attorney, Rachel said she is just glad to
be back home with her iPhone. Yeah, not so easy to be away from that phone is it
Rachel? Check Mate! Said the Canning rents.
Lastly, Miley Cyrus' tour bus caught fire Monday
night and was destroyed. The good news is that everyone got off safely: Miley,
Willie Nelson, The Jamaican bobsled team, and Michael Phelps were all unscathed
after the incident and recovering at a nearby Dominoes.
Today is St. Patrick’s Day, where everyone is Irish, livers
are sore, and lucky charms are vomited up with Guinness and Jameson’s. Eye laddy.
The NCAA brackets are out and apparently you can win a billion
(with a ‘B’) bucks from Warren Buffet for a perfect bracket. I have a better
chance of seeing Jimmy Buffet face plant at one of his concerts.
Colts owner Jim Irsay was arrested Sunday night and charged
with operating a vehicle while intoxicated, along with four felony counts of
possession of a controlled substance, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, the Sabbath.
"Divergent" star Shailene Woodley isn't sure she
believes in the concept of monogamy. We’re not sure she believes in method acting
but we are not going to hold that against her. In fact, if she doesn’t believe
in monogamy we have something else we’d like to hold against her.
And lastly, Scientist say the planet Mercury is shrinking.
How embarrassing. With a surface temperature of 800 degrees Fahrenheit, Mercury
can’t exactly claim it’s cold.
There is a volunteer at the local zoo who takes her Elephant
Bath Q&A just a little too seriously. Sure, we all appreciate the fun fact
now and again; who doesn’t want to know how much an elephant eats in a day? But
sometimes you just want to watch without being berated with pachyderm trivia; even
worse, when you see the bathing more than once, you are subject to all the same
banalities from Lucy the elephant lover all over again.
One can get past the pedantic details like “the elephant’s feces
can weigh up to” blah blah blah, or “the elephant uses its trunk to sexually
pleasure his/her mate” yadi yada, or “the trainers use the bath to bond with
the elephants in much the same way we humans might use African drum music to
bond”, and so on. One can get past this if one politely tunes her out with, with
gun range strength headphones.
This is not the worst part however; the worst part is her
voice and accent. It is a cross between Adam Sandler’s Toll Booth Willie and
Gilbert Godfried. Imagine trying to enjoy your zoo trip and the elephant bath
with fun facts coming from the Aflac Duck in Boston-ese! I wanted desperately to
enjoy the gig but I kept finding myself wanting to channel Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting and run up to her and
say “what winds yah watch!?”
Note to Zoo Management: audition your speakers. If she
sounds like a villainous cartoon character from Southie, you might want to put
her on shoveling elephant shit duty.
the
essential or characteristic customs and conventions of a community.
"an
offense against social mores"
synonyms:
customs, conventions, ways, way of life,
traditions, practices, habits;
I am pretty confident that the mores in your community
forbid you digging your first finger deep into your nostril to dislodge a
healthy sized booger clogging up your airway…directly in front of a person…in a
work meeting.
But in fact, there are, much like with your taxes, loopholes
for this particular mores. You see, one need only cover said first finger with
a small, sheen like fabric to commence the dislodging, directly in front of
you…in a work meeting. Yes, the beloved handkerchief allows Jane Doe to work
that finger up in there in excavator like fashion and turn around like a
submarine periscope and to then complete the action with a very defined usage
of the fingernail to scrape the bedrocked booger from its hair filled cavern; all
with polite dignity because of the flimsy, filled, handkerchief.
Now, to paraphrase David Mamet, “people love loopholes,
that’s why they call them loopholes.” True. But there needs to be a delineation
of acceptable holes and I for one, am not falling for the handkerchief
loophole. Just because you are nearing retirement and you carry a monogram
embroidered snot rag in your purse doesn’t mean you can probe your proboscis
during our meeting.
So now for your reading pleasure, I will inform you of the,
according-to-Hoyle-loophole, that allows you to exhume your nose with reckless
abandon. The loophole is your own beloved car. Yes, be it a Subaru outback or a
Lincoln town car, in the comfy confines of your car you are free to circumvent
the mores of your community and impugn the schnozzle with workman like energy
and inventor like inquisitiveness. Yes, beyond your driver’s side window on 95
south you can did and dig and dig, pull out to check, and then dig some more. You
can take it out and view it and turn your head like a dog that heard a weird
noise, all in rush hour traffic. Didn’t get it? Don’t worry, just keep trying.
Sure, you are in the parking lot at the local Target and that mother with 3
children is shielding her children’s eyes but you my friend are in your car.
Are you uncomfortable wiping the remnants in your car, be it the floor mat or
the console? Just roll down the window and wipe it on the top…you wash the
outside with a power washer anyway!
