Zoo Volunteer

There is a volunteer at the local zoo who takes her Elephant Bath Q&A just a little too seriously. Sure, we all appreciate the fun fact now and again; who doesn’t want to know how much an elephant eats in a day? But sometimes you just want to watch without being berated with pachyderm trivia; even worse, when you see the bathing more than once, you are subject to all the same banalities from Lucy the elephant lover all over again. 

One can get past the pedantic details like “the elephant’s feces can weigh up to” blah blah blah, or “the elephant uses its trunk to sexually pleasure his/her mate” yadi yada, or “the trainers use the bath to bond with the elephants in much the same way we humans might use African drum music to bond”, and so on. One can get past this if one politely tunes her out with, with gun range strength headphones. 

This is not the worst part however; the worst part is her voice and accent. It is a cross between Adam Sandler’s Toll Booth Willie and Gilbert Godfried. Imagine trying to enjoy your zoo trip and the elephant bath with fun facts coming from the Aflac Duck in Boston-ese! I wanted desperately to enjoy the gig but I kept finding myself wanting to channel Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting and run up to her and say “what winds yah watch!?” 

Note to Zoo Management: audition your speakers. If she sounds like a villainous cartoon character from Southie, you might want to put her on shoveling elephant shit duty.