Lightbulb!

Well the xmas holiday has come and gone and all I can say is, I may hate xmas. 

Now if I know anybody, I know you; and you my friend are one of the most centered, close-to-self-actuallized-as-anyone-I-know type of people. So this may not resonate with you because you are so goddamned self-aware and level headed so my apologies up front. 

I am not self-aware or level headed or keep an even keel of any kinds of sort. I have no idea what makes me tick or why I do what I do, while I’m doing it or after I’ve done it. Sort of.

But this particular xmas I may have become AWARE of a few things. 

Now I am aware that I grew up poor and that I bore much more sensitivity to this growing up than my younger brother. For example, I never in a million years would have brought a girl to my house due to the conditions, yet my brother dated the prom queen and mysteriously had no reservations about bringing her home. So I do know that I am sensitive to the poverty I grew up in. CHECK.

I am also aware that I am not exactly the world’s biggest fan of religion in general and catholicism specifically. A couple of philosophy degrees and a few history books can do that to a guy.

So now, (in Gru voice: “lightbulb”) take the holiday that uniquely celebrates materialism and christianity, wad it up into a big ole ball of bitterness and marginalization and judgment and stuff that down my piehole till I choke. 

So when I found myself tense enough to bounce dimes off of me about the gift exchanges and the xmas mass with the in-laws I think I had what some call, an epiphany. 

I may not like xmas. Now don’t get me wrong, I like giving gifts and seeing people smile, heck I love new socks, I like get togethers and breaking break…I’m not some misanthrope or Debbie Downer who pu pu’s anything that the masses love. Full disclosure, I bought that Paula Abdul album back in the day so there’s no arguing I hate anything popular.

I just don’t like it when I feel judged. And you, yes you, are judging me about my ability to provide gifts a la fiduciary gain and about my morality or lack thereof, especially on this holiday we call christmas. 

Tis tough for a poor kid from the rust belt who’s gonna burn in hell.

But, maybe the devil will throw me a bone and play some Paula Adbul down in the soul furnace. 

“Or I am I caught in a hit and run…”