12/15/14 Monologue
If the Jonny
Manziel bust gets any bigger he’s going to need a double D.
Do people
have to salute the new surgeon general Vivek Murthy?
Surgeon General: Scalpel.
Nurse: Scalpel.
Surgeon General: You salute a general when you hand him a scalpel!
Nurse: You are wearing scrubs.
Surgeon General: I don’t care if I’m wearing Skechers to help me lose weight soldier! The kind that are round at the heel.
Nurse: I’m a nurse.
Surgeon General: You give me twenty!
Nurse: Twenty scalpels, for stitches?
Surgeon General: Pushups!
Nurse: Oh, you mean pushup bras. Tell you what, Jonny Manziel doesn’t need a push up bra, that is one HUGE bust.
Surgeon General: Scalpel.
Nurse: Scalpel.
Surgeon General: You salute a general when you hand him a scalpel!
Nurse: You are wearing scrubs.
Surgeon General: I don’t care if I’m wearing Skechers to help me lose weight soldier! The kind that are round at the heel.
Nurse: I’m a nurse.
Surgeon General: You give me twenty!
Nurse: Twenty scalpels, for stitches?
Surgeon General: Pushups!
Nurse: Oh, you mean pushup bras. Tell you what, Jonny Manziel doesn’t need a push up bra, that is one HUGE bust.
Amal Clooney is Barbara
Walters' most fascinating person of 2014. All of George Clooney’s exes tied for
second.
Scientists
have learned that birds lost their teeth 116 million years ago but Dave in
Akron Ohio can’t find the keys he lost 5 minutes ago and he forgot to get milk
from the store.
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