Multiple liners

I thought the new Vacation remake with Ed Helms was funny. In fact, the scene where he tries to brake a la Vin Diesel made it hard for me to breathe I was laughing so hard. Anyone that gives this movie one star on IMDB needs to have their spleen removed with a dull soup spoon.  It’s not Proust, it’s a comedy. 

Ordered a new condenser mic; I hope it helps me sing better.

Excited for lunch today: mashed yeast with bean sprout extract and corn meal smoothie.

I think I read that almost half of all dentist preferred two thirds of flossing 1 out of 7 days per month but only half as much as brushing twice a day for ¾ of monthly conjugal visits.

My ironic t shirt would just be the definition of ironic but sideways.

Finding it harder to be erect these days.

How To Be The Broom

He stood out like a piece of shit on a large pizza; brown on a sea of white and reeking. Ah, high school as the only black dude at the prestigious Baird School.  He took a lot of shit and I mean a lot. Jabs on every walk across the quad and more than a few physical “exchanges” where the exchanges occurred on his ribs mostly. It toughened him up and he needed toughened up; no one going to Baird didn’t need toughened up. He was one of the lucky ones who would, the majority would tough it out summering on Cape Cod and the Azores. Not this guy.

Crime would pay and it would pay well for him. Not Azore summering well but well enough to support his revenge and his revenge had become quite the habit. One by one he was picking them off and making them pay and the bills added up. It ain’t cheap arranging for a former classmate to get caught with a hooker right before his son’s bris. Nor is it cheap to have a condo burn down. His crime was paying and his hard earned Baird credentials helped him get his foot into the crime door…as he planned all along.

His father schooled him on whitey and the racism inherent in the system and who needed to be the broom of the system, and how to be the broom. From the inside out. Become one to kill one. You can’t inherit the privilege but you can steal it, just like they did. There are no secrets in real estate and there are no secrets in privilege. Once you’re in. Baird got him in, in more ways than one.

Sure, he was taking down privileged honkeys on a monthly basis but his Baird time created another monster:  White women. Plentiful, willing, white women.  And the monster needed feeding. He was having trouble feeding both his revenge and his white women.

Ivy League Stream of Consciousness

Beef Wellington

Wellington goes to Yale next Fall.

Yale like your throat will never hurt.

Where’s the beef?

Wellington is a girl.

Or a pet.

Can pets go to Yale?

No, the residence hall policy permits no pets, not even goldfish.

Maybe Wellington should go to Bucknell instead; Bucknell permits pets. Pets are permitted at Bucknell, I repeat pets are permitted.

With all due respect, Bucknell isn’t Yale, even with pets permitted. I repeat, not Yale.

What if there were some jackoff named Yale and he went to Yale? Would the world implode or at least his yacht and sweater vest after cocktails and summering on the vineyard?

Wasn’t there a Yale in Woody Allen’s Manhattan?

Hands Hands Hands

The Most Beautiful Way

My littlest guy is 2 today. (Note, word doesn’t recognize littlest as incorrect: sign o the times?)

And in the parlance of our times (Lewbowski reference) he is adorbs. Totes.

Fatherhood is so much harder than I thought it would be. I adored my father and I am wondering if some of that had to do with me being the 5^th of six kids and my father being so much more at ease with parenting after 4 kids. I know I am more at ease with just the second child.

So while it is challenging to the nth degree, the rewards are truly transcendent, even for this humanist.  But here is where it gets weird, because I am weird most likely; the rewarding feeling comes in the most mundane activities, and usually when I am not even involved.

I listened to my little guy play with star wars figurines the other morning: he was saying “luke” and “solo” and “darth” and I think he even said “I am your father” and some other syllables and I was just overcome with joy listening as I made lunches in the kitchen. I would occasionally pop in to watch and he would have them facing each other turning them to each other to talk and I would just smile from ear to ear reveling in his development and his imagination. It reminds me of when my first little guy made his second transition in daycare. I walked in to pick him up and saw him sitting in his little chair at the little table and just beamed with pride.

I understand these are not monumental accomplishments in their lives and I do not understand why these moments grab me but for some reason they stop me, put me in the moment and help me realize the beauty that is not only their lives but also mine and how they are intertwined in the most beautiful way. 

[clip coming soon]

Got Shorted, Big Time

Easter has come and gone…too much sugar has been ingested. Did I forget ham? I did. Ham too.

Watched The Big Short and anyone who says they get it, is lying. I was lying…down and fell asleep half-way in. This is not to say this is a bad movie; it is to say that I had been up since 4am and that the missus and I had some margs to kick off the old sat night. Recipe:

1 container Limeade into pitcher (near the ice cream aisle)

Retain limeade container and fill it with tequila, pour tequila into pitcher containing limeade

Pour 3 corona beers into pitcher containing limeade and tequila.

Drink. Drank. Drunk.

Bernie Sanders won three states and a bird’s heart.

Was able to play a little guitar this weekend in the a.m.s (mornings to the lay person) and think I found the last chord or at least some ideas for a song I should be bringing to Soundcloud in the very near future (6-8 weeks, 6 months tops). If A&M records calls, tell them I want the offer doubled and a retainer…for my teeth.

That’s it for now but don’t you go changing dear reader, to try to please me, we never could have come this far…ooh ooh oooh ooh ooh, mmm mmm mmm mmm…