Hyperbole, Literally

Look man the death of John Saunders from ESPN made me sad. I liked him as a commentator. But for the love of fucking fucks when ESPN decides to air a moving, stirring tribute to him and misuses the word literally…well, some things need to happen. Talking about his daughters, John Ley said “They were literally the lights of his life.” Fuck! You get paid to write and talk into a microphone and you go and say something like that. Dammit man. I know my timing is bad, a man just died, but fuck, you are using the word in exactly the wrong way. Literally the lights of his life? Did he strap them to his car so he could see the road at night? Did he have them on his bedside table for a little night reading? Daughters aren’t fucking lights! They are human beings. God dammit why can’t people get this?

We should cancel the Olympics immediately, postpone the election, close all Starbucks until we have a nationwide seminar on the use of “literally”.

Dah! Here is an example:

She took my breath away.

This is figurative because I could still breathe when I saw her.

Asthma took my breath away.

This is literal because I couldn’t breathe.

See? Fuck!

They were the lights of my life.

This is figurative because they are human beings, not light bulbs.

They were always borrowing money from me and sneaking boys into the basement.

This is literal because I went broke in a hurry and the boys practically emptied the keg downstairs.

Dammit people, let’s literally do this. Now. Before it’s too late. Our very existence depends on it.

See now, that is hyperbole.

Or is it?