When I’m famous I feel like the late night hosts or whomever
is interviewing me for my thoughts on such and such is going to ask me about a
person, so I’m practicing my spin/pivot/avoidance because 1. I don’t know
anything and 2. I don’t know anyone.
So it takes the form of the old saw I don’t know ____ from Adam
(of Eden, father of fathers, banger of Eve)
So you (famous person interviewing me) say something like
what do you think about Kevin Hart drunk after the Superbowl and I say “I don’t
know Kevin Hart from having a heart to heart with Joan Jett and the
Blackhearts.”
Grade: B-
Again:
What do you think about Megyn Kelly? “I don’t know Megyn Kelly
from Kelly Tripucka. Though to be fair he could shoot.”
Grade: C-
What are your thoughts on Chiwetel Ejifor’s performance in
Come Sunday? “I don’t know what Chiwetel’s eyes are for, apart from seeing of
course.”
Grade: D
What did you think of Charles Barkley’s latest incident? “I
don’t know Charles Barkley from Charles Manson.”
Grade: C+
Did you hear about the moral failings of Blake Lively? “Man
I don’t know Blake Lively from Blake Lethargic.”
Grade: F
Tim Robbins was recently indicted: your thoughts. “I don’t
know Tim Robbins from Baskin Robbins!”
Grade: A+
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