Winning Without Trying

Announcer: It’s time for some Friday fun on Winning Without Trying!

Host: Fun you won’t actually have at your expense. Step right up, an attempt every time you try. Right here sir, thank you very much but your other left. Yes right here. Sir, what is your name?

Contestant: Charles Danceinschmidt

Host: Danceinschmidt?

Contestant: It’s german sir.

Host: German for what?

Contestant: I believe gunfire.

Host: That can’t be right.

Contestant: Gunpowder?

Host: You don’t know about your own name. Good, let’s get to it. Mr. Danceinschmidt, how old are you?

Contestant: 35 sir.

Host: Mr. Danceinschmidt where were you born?

Contestant: New York New York.

Host: Is there an echo in here? Now batting number 9, Roy Hobbes. A New Yorker in our midst; a german new Yorker no less. Mr. Danceinschmidt for your first chance at a prize, tell me, how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.

Contestant: Sir, I’ve chucked some wood in my time let me tell you and I’ve even gone by Chuck just for the fun of it a few times but oddly enough I have never once seen a wood chuck chuck so much as a match let alone a log of any import. I do declare sir, that this is a trick question and the ruse will not take me for a wood chuck does not chuck wood, a wood chuck buries wood. Am I not correct sir?

Host: Mr. Danceinschmidt, you are a national treasure based on this answer alone and a parade will be held in your honor where you will receive not only the key to the city but also the keys to your new car!

[car rolls out]

Host: Mr. Danceinschmidt, meet your new 1995 Chrysler LeBaron!

Contestant: It’s 2016.

Host: Mr. Danceinschmidt, meet your new-to-you 1995 Chrysler LeBaron!

Contestant: I don’t want a used car, even if it is Chrysler certified.

Host: Mr. Danceinschmidt, for your second chance at a prize, please get in your LeBaron and complete two donuts on our spacious stage.

Contestant: I won’t do donuts in that car. I won’t eat donuts in that car.

Host: Are you sure? We have a dozen mixed right here.

[model brings out box of donuts, opens box in front of camera]

Contestant: Is there a bear claw in there?

Host: Two.

Contestant: Does the model get in the car too?

[model winks at camera]

Host: No, but she will sit on the hood.

Contestant: Like Tawny Katain in the Whitesnake videos?

Host: No, more like Cletus from the Danceinschmidt  family reunion.

Contestant: Deal!

Host: There you have it folks. Join us next time for another round of Winning Without Trying.