Friday, January 22, 2016

The Royal You



We asked, The Royal You answered

Mariah Carey got a 35-carat engagement ring.

What is the best thing your man ever got you?


Drunk. -Francy Telluride, Occupational Theraflu



A 35 carrot…crisper. -Jenny Whong, Fat Separater




A secretary job. -Hillary Clinton, Suit Pant Wearer

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The Royal You




We asked, The Royal You Answered

Actor Jamie Foxx rescued a man from a burning car after an accident took place near his Los Angeles-area home.

What’s the most heroic thing you’ve ever done?



I rescued a sliver of dignity after a public anal oil leakage incident resulting from a chip binge. -Ron Olestra, Futility Impactor




Finished season 2 of Seinfeld without blinking. -Himmel Guvesant, Proctor and Gambler


Gave my body to science. -Roy Burke-Hall, Financial Analyst


Thursday, January 14, 2016

Moving On




2016 is in, full, swing. Could a year be in partial swing? Regardless, I am back to work, on my back, as I’ve decided to become a prostitute. No, seriously, my back has been weak since about a week back. So there’s that. The Golden Globes were last Sunday and Ricky Gervais introduced Mel Gibson and didn’t say anything about Mel looking like an old catcher’s mitt, which I thought was nice of Ricky. Crazy year already huh? The Browns hired a new coach, Hue Jackson. Cleveland Plain Dealer columnist Terry Pluto says there is cause for hope. Terry, Terry, Terry, as long as one can inhale and excrete bodily fluids, there is cause for hope. Call me when there is cause for optimism. In fact text me when the Browns reach 500, I’ll take you out for some objectivity, my treat. The Browns are like an infected scrotum, in dire need of help but too painful to touch. Moving on. Donald Trump remains a headline maker but what slays me is how orange he is and how white his eyes are. It’s like he’s some sort of agent orange even though he skipped Nam. How does the tanning light not hit around his eyes? Some things are better left unknown, like Donald Trump. Moving on. I got an iwatch for xmas. It tells me to stand every hour, which is really annoying in the middle of work; I told you about my new line of work right? Seriously, it does track my runs and exercise and I have lost some weight since the holidays, mostly from my wallet but hey, gotta keep the economy moving right…can’t spend it in hell right…

Thursday, January 7, 2016

180 Degree Love



Dear Reader:
Are you listening enough? To yourself? Word on the street is that you have quite a lot to say. I just wonder if you are listening to yourself. No, no, no dear reader, this is not an indictment or even the slightest intimation that you lack any sort of hearing and or attention to your fellow brethren. No friend, this is an indictment though…of your empathy and attention…but to you. Yes, you. Shh, quiet now, hear me out and I know you will…I just wish you would hear yourself out dear friend. No, please don’t interrupt for I have the floor now and I intend to win you over and in the process let you win yourself over because someone I know needs a little TLC…no correction, a lot of TLC. Yes, the rumors are true, you are always there for your family and friends. Always. Rain or shine, 24/7/365, you are there with an ear made of gold and a heart the size of a hot air balloon, fully inflated with, as it turn out, not air. Wikipedia it sometime. But always there for others but not there for numero uno, not there for the guy in the mirror, not there for the gal seeing her reflection in the tears of her friends. Oh how did it come to this? No wait, please don’t interrupt, this is an intervention…for you, to get you to come back to you, to take you into consideration, for you to matter to you. Pleading we are for you to share that love, share it, give it, by the pantloads but just shove that pantload of love right back to you because we think you need it dear friend. You need a pantload of self-love and we aim to help you pull the trigger on the self-love gun dear friend. No ands ifs or butts friend.  No, shh, blaming yourself is not part of this intervention. Blame is for blamers and you, golden ear and hot air balloon heart, are not a blamer. No no no a thousand times no, you are a lover to the nth degree. Love by the bucketsful overflowing, careening down streets and into homes and hearts, enriching uncountable lives but perhaps, oh dear, not the life that matters most , the life that without which the uncountable lives would not be enriched, yours. Oh my, this is terrible, just terrible. We want you to love like you’ve never loved before, wet gooey love, the kind that brings tears to eyes and requires a wet-nap for the soul.  Just turn it, 360 degrees, right back at you. Use a mirror if you have to, reflect it, point the love gun at your temple, love thyself my friend. Do you not deserve it? Love, we all deserve it. As much as we can get. And you, oh please forgive me, forgive my crying and wailing about like a sentimental fool, you deserve this love and I demand, yes demand , that you love yourself. Who am I to demand? I am a receiver of your love who knows the pain you are in and wants to help. Sue me if you must, litigate if you can, but I will not stop until you, oh dear, point that wonderful love gun and shoot those love beams right into your own heart oh dear! Take this, please take this, it is an empty journal, and fill it, to the brim with kudos and congratulations and encouragements for you, from you. Maybe then you’ll see friend just how deserving you are. Stop trying to interrupt, I won’t allow it, not today, not during this interven – what’s that you say? You get paid for all that? You are a therapist? And you would only turn it 180 degrees you say?

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In The Static

He had about 4 hours and 30 minutes. He, like Jack London, was going to use his time. What else did a man have…but time? Christians hav...