Plunging Toward Self-Actualization

Abraham Maslow, in his magnum opus in Psychology, which I can’t remember the name of right now, tells us that self-actualized persons are not embarrassed by bodily activities like defecation and flatulation. Not being self-actualized, or remotely un-crude, I am still going to tell you about a shitty experience I had recently. 

The morning poop came on, even before the coffee, but alas, in the toilet was a log of brown and some heinous colored water. I interrupt my son’s chess game and gently/firmly remind them that every time we use the toilet, we flush the toilet. 

“Capiche?”

“Yeah dad.”

So I flush.

It is clogged.

Lovely.

Right about now the pressure in the bowels is nearing “Houston, we have a problem,” so I head to the upstairs bathroom. Quickly.

And I sit.

On a toilet seat with urine on it.

[Replays in mind how many times I have told them] Sons, listen to me now, every time we urinate, we lift the toilet seat up. Every time. 

“Capiche?”

“Yeah dad.”

Urine for it, kids!

A quick wipe of the seat and my arse, and I, Maslow-inspired here let us not forget, defecate. 

The toilet clogs. 

Shoulders droop so far as to seem out of sockets. Exhale powerful enough to steam towels in hamper. Frustration at Defcon 5. Full, complete domestic defeat.

Two toilets clogged, not yet 7am? Check.

I trudge downstairs to retrieve the plunger and begin with the downstairs toilet.

I plunge.

And plunge.

Complete tricep workout later, the toilet is unclogged.

I trudge upstairs to plunge.

I plunge, upstairs.

You may not remember the old Army commercials: “We do more before 9 A.M. than most people do all day.”

Well, I think Abraham Maslow would be damn proud of me for defecating before 7 A.M., given the tremendous domestic hurdles god hath given me on this day. And let us not forget the incredible parental modeling that went on here. Did I scream to the high heavens or curse or use the lord’s name in vain or rip out a toilet with a crowbar in an early morning rage? Of course not, I hadn’t had my coffee yet. No I showed tremendous calm and poise to defecate the way I did. 

I hope you can take this story and use it to become near-self-actualized. Maybe not as close as me, but somewhere in the general vicinity. The next time life gives you multiple clogged toilets, make lemonade.