The Uniformity of Nature

None of us expects two giant hands to press down through the blue sky as if ripping two pieces of sky-cotton apart while we watch from the ground, mouths agape. Neither do we expect then a fair skinned, incredible haired, white robed jesus to hold the sky-cotton open and tell us, in English of course, that “nature isn’t actually uniform,” and then let the sky-cotton pieces come back together but then just before the seam is about to merge, he breaks it apart again and says “oh, and stop misusing the word literally -it should only be used to contrast metaphor!” The sky seals back up and we go about our business and probably continue to misuse the word literally at every turn.
But the sky did open up one day and jesus did say those things and I know because I was there.

You of course have your doubts and I of course cannot blame you for having your doubts. But it happened all the same. Do you even remember what it was that jesus said? He said nature isn’t actually uniform. We, the royal we, like to think that nature is uniform and that, with perverse hubris, we know everything there is to know about nature. From the mouths of babes! Why on earth would we think that we know everything about nature when we are but a blip of geologic time in a nature so old we can’t get our mind around it? But you want to incredulously tell me that the sky can’t open up like a shirt being ripped apart – that’s not how the sky works. Sky schmy. We’re talking about one sky existing at this time but there have been a virtual infinity of skies over a virtual infinity of past and yet you want to tell me what can and cannot happen with a sky. And it isn’t just the sky; there are all kinds of things that can happen in nature that you didn’t think could because you operate under the guise of the uniformity of nature. But I just told you jesus told us it isn’t actually uniform. I mean how else do you even explain jesus himself if nature is uniform? See the corner you’ve painted yourself in?

Anywhoo, it was crazy that day. I was walking my dog, Sparky, at a shoreside park in Connecticut and just as we were coming to the sand, I heard this ferocious ripping sound from above like it was coming from rock concert speakers and I shielded my eyes to look up and I saw these hands, they must have been the size of battleships, bust through the sky like they were pressing through a balloon, only the balloon didn’t pop, it just kinda ripped apart like the cotton I mentioned. And then these huge hands held the seams apart when it seemed like they were pressing to be together, like magnets that are close. But then jesus appeared and he was just a sight behind the sky, I guess, curtains you could call them. He looked so handsome and young and clean shaven and you can imagine how big he was if his hands were the size of battleships. Behind him it was just like, you know, a halo of white. The sky curtains were held down to the horizon line and it must have spanned 40 miles. It was crazy. And then he said those words. And I believed him. I’ve thought about it a lot since then and it makes perfect sense to me. You may say it is an argument from ignorance, that just because we don’t know everything about nature, we can’t be sure how the sky works but I’d say that you are saying jesus is wrong. And I don’t know if you know anything about jesus but saying jesus is wrong ain’t exactly the right move.

So when I tell you that the sky was literally torn open by jesus you can rest assured that I am using the word literally to contrast with metaphor. Cause jesus told me to.