Rambis & Clara

The Charger’s, Rambis and Clara, nee Golfowitz, were good, decent Americans. Rambis was named after Kurt Rambis the former Los Angeles Laker; his parents liked his tenacity on the boards and gritty defense. Rambis grew up hating basketball, especially the Lakers. He once sent Koby Bryant a letter suggesting he retire early and open up a black mamba karate school. Clara was named after Clara Barton because her mother once heard about Clara Barton doing something or taking a bullet out of a femur or something like that. Clara loved basketball but also hated the Lakers. She once sent Koby Bryant a hate letter and suggested he retire early to go into coaching Y ball.

Rambis and Clara met and fell in love. Something happened during the early years of their marriage. They started getting kitschy with their last name. It started innocently enough when Clara brought home a San Diego bobblehead charger and put it in the kitchen. She joked to Rambis, “a little kitsch in the kitchen. But if being a charger is wrong, I don’t want to be right.” Rambis laughed but for some reason felt a tinge of competition in the matter. He was class clown in high school mainly as a result of his penchant for devouring ketchup packets sans food of any sort and so set forth on his own kitsch mission. The next day he brought home a dodge charger matchbox car placed it on their bedside table. That night when Clara saw it he said “This Charger’s engine is revving high tonight!” Clara laughed and the two set about a semi-vigorous bout of love making that included a few too many car and engine references to truly be erotic. But the damn had been broken and the kitsch would explode into the Charger home. Lightning bolt posters, Dodge charger memorabilia, Kellen Winslow Sr. autographed footballs, Dan Fouts autographed Dodge charger matchbox cars, Bo and Luke Duke autographed tire irons, lamps, glasses,  oven mitts, grill covers and all of it Charger themed in one way or another.

9 months after the “Charger peeled out” of Rambis’ jeans, as it came to be known, a child was born. The self-induced fugue that Rambis and Clara were going through spilled over, and Dodge was born at 9 pounds 3 ounces. Dodge was a girl. 18 months later, her brother…Diego was born at 9 pounds 9 ounces. Dodge and Diego Charger, sister and brother, surrounded by kitsch.

But Dodge and Diego Charger were inseparable and grew up tall and grew up right. Dodge married a pediatrician by the name of John Abullette and Diego wed his bride Cara, nee Battria during a joint eloping to Dodge City Kansas. They rented a limo for the four of them after the wedding, an oversized Cadillac Escalade. They were hit head-on by an Isuzu delivery truck carrying Toyota car parts bound for a Toyota dealer in Kansas City, near the Chiefs stadium. The driver of the delivery truck was wearing a vintage Lance Alworth jersey.