Death

I’ve come up with a definition of death. Death – the cessation of life. I did this as a favor to all those who ask what happens when you die or express ignorance about death. Based on my definition, when you die you cease living. You’re welcome.

Haikus or Low Coos, Either Way You Lose

One word begonia

Two more words chrysanthemum

Really miss Lilly

Guitar strings and picks

Groupies, hangers-on, and pricks

Sure beats the drum sticks

One two three four five

And Six seven eight nine ten

Sans nill fits the bill

Star Wars! Boba Fett?

Nerf Herder, Ton-Ton, Minoch

Hyperdrive needs fixed

Wish I was Irish

Or polish or Asian-ish

Honor accidents

Campus center sign

Isn’t “center” relative?

Everything is relative

Bark for me doggie

Meow for me kitty cat

Oink for me. Uncle!

Break glass in case of

Fire, no wait don’t shoot me I

Am unarmed, unlegged

I don’t need your tude

Today or tomorrow see?

But I do need cash

What if dog spelled cat

What if if connoted then

If: biggest. Word. Done.

Think This haiku sucks?

Maybe you suck at sucking

Ever think of that?

I’ll let you know soon

Like a few days, week the most

Buying time with words

I know this girl, she

Can put her toe in her ear

But then she can’t hear

I know this girl, she

Can barely lift her two arms

And she is harmless

I know this grill, can

Sear marks on your favrite steak

Who the hell is Mark?

Before god there was

God who necessitated

A God who got you

But don’t fret my friend

I have your interests in mind

But I’m psychotic

Snap chat google text

Pintrest twitter vine youtube

All with real fake bots

Speaking of phony

Did you hear about the star

Who had ear implants?

Machines do the work

Industry is feigned sooooo much

Feigning is hard work

Botched the surgery

Now I can’t eat an apple

Didn’t Eve eat that?

Pork pork pork pork pork

Is that all you ever eat?

Pork means sex you dolt!

These aren’t so highbrow

But who gives a shit, not me

Funny is funny

Speaking of feces

Did you hear about the craps

Game I rolled a nine

This is the last one

I promise, no more haikus

How bout a limerick?

EVH

I am reading an Eddie Van Halen biography and upon re-learning (I think I read this back when I started learning guitar in the mid 80’s) that Eddie would often begin practicing as his brother Alex was heading out on a Friday night to party and upon his return home at 3am, Eddie would be in the same spot, guitar in lap. 

Now take this and relate it to the idea, proposed in the Birdman blog, that an artist needs to suffer in order to “qualify” as an artist. But here’s a rub to the “suffering” idea: Having read a ton of interviews of EVH over the years, I get the sense that he was so compelled to play, so compelled to learn, to get better, that he would not view missing out on parties and socializing as suffering at all. The suffering would have been going to the party and not being with the guitar.

I feel the rub is actually more hidden in this case. The artist suffering in EVH’s case is in human relationships. It is apparent in this biography that Eddie, admittedly, not only lacked social skills but knew that he lacked social skills. The social skills that most of us pick up and social mores we learn to navigate are often times lost on an artist that instead chooses to have a relationship with an instrument. Think about it, the guitar was never not there for him, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, and year after year. The bonding and facility happened with the guitar, not people.

How is one supposed to possibly learn complex, layered social skills and cues, when the bulk of time that is usually taken to master such things is spent on mastering the guitar and music? Compound this with the added ingredient of fame and the outlook isn’t good.

EVH suffered failed relationships, musical and otherwise, and a marriage while he continued to succeed as an artist.

So now I am left with a different question: not whether or not an artist must suffer to qualify as an artist, but if being an artist in this vein is worth it. 

Is it a forced dichotomy for artists? You can be with people or you can be with your art, but not both.

Aretha Franklin is 73 today

Aretha Franklin is 73 today.

The top 5 perks of being Aretha Franklin

5. Will never misspell “respect.”

4. Singing at the 2009 inauguration has netted her other 1 song gigs.

3. As a resident of Detroit she has ample access to terrible Pistons basketball.

2. As a resident of Detroit, she often uses her presidential Medal of Freedom to ricochet gun fire.

1. Cameo in The Blues Brothers led to a brief but very passionate relationship with Blue Lou Marini. 

Kelly Lebrock is 60

Actress Kelly Lebrock is 60 today.

The top 5 perks of being Kelly Lebrock

5 Free Pantene Conditioner with a substantial discount on shampoo   

 

4 Got to keep the red dress from The Woman in Red and routinely wears it to Whole Foods

3 Learned Buddhism and how to rock a pony tail from former husband Steven Seagal

2 Still in touch with Ilan Mitchell-Smith from Weird Science

1 As one of the first private U.S. citizens to own a hyperbaric chamber she never has to worry about getting the bends in her home