Figuratively or Literally

“I didn’t think it would happen to me either” he said. 

He figured his son was listening so he better make it good.

“But, and I know this sounds easy, things change. You, you are in the prime of life, at the pinnacle of your powers. How you like that? Pinnacle of powers! Seriously, you are at your absolute best right now, which makes it hard to imagine you’ll be anything but. Alas, when things begin to fade, for me anyway, even though I lamented it in my own parents, I got conservative.”

“But-

Raising a finger, “Hold on a sec. Just let me, I’ve got the floor here now. Now truth be told, it may not happen to you but keep in mind if it does, it may not necessarily be a bad thing. It is not like I went out and became religious or suddenly embraced the republican party or anything that radical but I did, just reign it in a little. Thought more about life insurance, more about the future and get this, not my future, but yours! Thought about if something happens to me, how that impacts you. How can that be bad? Thinking about others?”

The son was astute for his age. “It’s only bad if it involves hypocrisy.”

Interrupting, “oh hypocrisy, schmypocrisy! There are worse things than being hypocritical. Cancer is never hypocritical and aneurisms never renege but it doesn’t mean I want to make them my best friend. Consistency is great but it’s an ideal, a Platonic form, not realizable in the material, dare I say it, human world. You remember Liar Liar, everybody lies! And guess what, everybody is hypocritical. Humans, those dicks, all too human.

The son was astute for his age. “Dad, you told me I could go on the trip and now you’re telling me I can’t. I don’t care about Plato. I think it’s great you care about me and I also think you trust me. Notice my usage of the ‘and’ instead of the ‘but’ there? Huh huh? Feels more inclusive doesn’t it. Notice how I challenge with essentially a question? Pretty savvy for an imperfect little dick like me. Look, you are afraid of what could happen because I’ll be gone for an entire weekend, and I’m a teenager, and even though we’ve had numerous talks about all the important stuff, you are worried. I get it. And I know you realize I made plans, and those plans made other people make plans, which impacted even more plans…

The dad began to fidget, like he always does when he feels threatened, and losing…

...plans of other parents just like you, who are worried just like you, and are still going to honor their word, unlike you. Notice the use of ‘and’ again? Savvy huh?"

There was definitely a pregnant pause.

The ole man looked at his son with envy and disdain; the son looked at his ole man with smarm and youth. Neither combination for either of them was honorable or authentic.

The son was fully planning a weekend of hedonism and debauchery to rival Nero and the ole man knew it or thought he knew but hoped he didn’t know it or knew he didn’t hope it. Either way, someone was going to lose.

What would be lost? Depends on whom you ask. Remember how the plans impacted plans bit the son rolled out? Well here’s the thing the son didn’t know: in his lame pseudo savvy plea, the actions he would take over that weekend would impact his life and previous plans of his parents. Previous plans that would be uprooted and shredded, minced to a soiled mass resembling nothing of a bright future with top law schools or three car garages or early retirement…resembling nothing of strolls thought the park of life, figuratively or literally.

David Hasselhoff’s Birthday

It’s David Hasselhoff’s Birthday today! So…the top 5 perks of being “The Hoff”

5. Due to his popularity in Germany, knows a good schnitzel when he sees one.

4. Can have Knight Rider keyboard part as his ringtone.

3. Because he is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as "The Most Watched TV Star in the World", thanks to starring roles in both Knight Rider (1982) and Baywatch (1989), he is privy to a free pint of Guinness at the bar of his choice.

2. Still tan from filming Baywatch

1. Due to Oscar worthy acting as Gilbert Sheperd in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, should be able to land gig for Sharknado 4: Hammerhead Time!

Will Ferrell’s Birthday

It’s Will Ferrell’s birthday today! So…the top 5 perks of being Will Ferrell:

5. Can afford a Dodge Stratus!

4. Claims surgical scar on his upper right abdomen from a surgery he had as a baby to treat pyloric stenosis is actually from a sharkbite.

3.  As the first and last guest on The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, he can always bust Conan's balls.

2. Gets to play in minor league baseball games when only qualified to be a mascot.

1. Can hit up his doctor for crazy pills

Monsters and Heroes

One theme that crosses my mind a lot as I meander through life, be it watching the news or dissecting plots of movies, is this idea that, though it is attributed to Nietzsche, but must have been around before him, one must take care when pursuing monsters, not to become a monster. I first met this theme in the 1988 movie Criminal Law with Kevin Bacon. I would go on to read Nietzsche in undergrad but he never caught on with me the way other philosophers did like Heidegger and Leibnitz. But, like I said, the theme crosses my mind often because of the power and length of its reach – torture of Iraqis, mass incarceration of nonviolent drug offenders, etc. Recently, I have found another theme that is crossing my mind a lot and I think I first met this theme in the 1998 movie The Big Lebowski with Jeff Bridges. 

Here is a lil something from the script:

INTERIOR   RALPH'S

               It is late, the supermarket all but deserted.  We are tracking

               in on a fortyish man in Bermuda shorts and sunglasses at the

               dairy case.  He is the Dude.  His rumpled look and relaxed

               manner suggest a man in whom casualness runs deep.

               He is feeling quarts of milk for coldness and examining their

               expiration dates.

                                     VOICE-OVER

                         Now this story I'm about to unfold

                         took place back in the early nineties--

                         just about the time of our conflict

                         with Sad'm and the Eye-rackies.  I

                         only mention it 'cause some- times

                         there's a man--I won't say a hee-ro,

                         'cause what's a hee-ro?--but sometimes

                         there's a man.

               The Dude glances furtively about and then opens a quart of

               milk.  He sticks his nose in the spout and sniffs.

                                     VOICE-OVER

                         And I'm talkin' about the Dude here--

                         sometimes there's a man who, wal,

                         he's the man for his time'n place,

                         he fits right in there--and that's

                         the Dude, in Los Angeles.

So I ask you: What’s a hero?

Just as you must take care when pursuing monsters, you must also take care when you designate a hero.

By all accounts, ok most account I suppose, Bill Cosby was a hero. And now, it appears that the man is by all but a few accounts (his own and his wife Camille’s?), and I realize this is a strong term, a monster.

Perhaps it is best if we take care when pursuing monsters and that we never designate anyone a hero. 

George Carlin said:

i'm also tired
of hearing about
"innocent victims".
this is an outmoded idea.
there are no
"innocent victims".
if you live on this planet,
you're guilty.
period.
fuck you.
end of report, next case.
NEXT FUCKING CASE!
next case.
your birth certificate
is proof of guilt.

 …I might add that your birth certificate is also proof that you and no one else, is a hero. Too many warts, too many skeletons in closets, too many lies told, too many indiscretions, too much collateral damage for anyone to be a hero. You’ve hurt others directly, indirectly, you’ve caused pain and anguish. 

How can one be both a hero and a human, what with all the human fallibility?

Now you might counter that if there are no hero’s then there are no monsters and I would hear you out.

But let us come full circle to Nietzsche and admit, at bottom, that you, me, all of us are

human, all too human.