He took swing dance lessons for a year but only krumped down
the aisles while grocery shopping.
He donned a beard as part of the whole hipster scene but
couldn’t quote a single line from The Notebook or Tron (the newer one).
He swore he would never buy from target again after a bad
experience returning fishing tackle that malfunctioned but wound up purchasing an
80’s sitcom box set that included Laverne and Shirley highlights.
He had favorite Sportscenter anchors.
He “liked” knee braces on Facebook.
He could gargle with mouthwash for over 5 minutes without it
burning but threw up inside his mouth at the just thought of peanut brittle.
He never once made out with a girl named after a city and
only rarely engaged in hijinks or shenanigans with people that worked at
bowling alleys.
He would periodically work out to ABBA’s greatest hits and
read Proust to Metallica’s early stuff, before they sold out.
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