Some Things...Have...Happened

Whoa.

Some things have happened dear readers.

For one birth has happened, for the third time.

Wait, what was the middle part again?

For two, birth happened in the form of Scarlett Sol.

Truth be told I wanted Sol from this George Carlin bit:

So I’m not getting a ton of sleep but it comes with the territory. Speaking of territories, what all came with the Gadsden purchase?

Did I mention we moved about two months before the birth?

We like to have all of our stressful life events at the same time. More efficient this way. I do the same with sit-ups. I do 1000 right in a row and I am good for the year.

Been reading some books on male friendship. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t exist.

Been trying to keep up with the running and 15 miles a week feels like 150 at this point. My legs were so dead after four miles yesterday we had a wake for them right there at the Y treadmill. I keep reminding myself like Dory in Finding Nemo: just keep running, just keep running. 

I know someday the tots will be able to dress, feed, and hygiene themselves and I’ll be able to ramp up the miles in lieu of friendships or guitar slinging.

You might like this guitar slinging but you might not. Either way, my hits on SoundCloud just went up. Sucker.

Isn’t it? Simple?

Writing the stories you want to read. A novel idea. And the devil is in the details and tis easier said than done. But we all write our stories, even if free will is an illusion. I would like to tell you ‘illustrious’ is formed from ‘illusion’ but I would be fibbing. Still, seeing as how it is post-truth era and all, we write our own stories. Free from bias, genetics, nature, nurture, prejudice, all that nasty shit. Free as free can be. Then some.

So freely write your story. While you are at it, freely live your life; heck, then write your story. The order doesn’t really matter; as long as both are done freely. Free is an important concept here as you have probably picked up on. How doubly sweet would it be if the concept aligned with reality? Awesome sauce that would be.

Forget about that for now. Forget all about that Debby Downer reality nonsense and live it up. Live it down if you want, or sideways or caddy corner or b-line or waaaaay over there if you want. Live live live, live live. Beats the alternative am I right?

I am. Right.

Unless, reality matters. Because, I’m just spitabllin’ here, how can there even be a right if reality doesn’t matter and we are post-truth?

But if reality doesn’t matter then can’t we say that death is better than life? No because we are dead and can’t say anything. You are one astute fella.

Dead men tell no tales as they say. But if you watch enough crime shows, and I know you do, dead men (and women) do leave clues. Be it under the fingernails or some sort of substance found only under a neon glow stick of some sort.

This sure has been a long road to tell you to live and write your life. So simple. Isn’t it? Simple?

via GIPHY

#3 Or Nummer Drei as the Germans Say

I’m about to be a father to my third child.

I know what you’re thinking – big whoop – a ton of dudes have three kids.

But ask yourself this: how many of those dudes had their first at the tender age of 41?

Yeah that is what I thought punchy.

Judge lest ye be judged – idiot!

JK.

To give some context to just how crazy this is, consider what I told my father-in-law who is in town for the birth and to help us with some home projects because, as I told him:

I lived in student housing for ten years and never had to mow a lawn or fix an appliance or anything like that so I never owned power tools; I spent all my money on guitar shit.

Now here I am with a house and kids and it doesn’t really help that I know the chords to Simple Man or how to play Auld Lang Syne fingerstyle.

What I could really use is some practical know-how (plus a volt meter) and some patience but you don’t’ exactly acquire these things naturally when you bachelor it up for twenty years catering to you and you alone. Why is it so hard to get out the door for school???

But, sometimes, my boys dig me (and my bad impressions of Bruce the shark from Nemo, or Christopher Walken or Al Pacino [“ranger choke hold Charlie!”] and they know I want to form a band with them named The Steaming Diapers so…

And maybe, just maybe, if I can keep it together as I prepare to lose a ton of sleep over the next 18 years, I might just live to buy some more guitar shit.

In Hands Not The Mind

“Come look at this,” she said. “It’s just over this ridge, down the hill where the old fort used to be.”

“The old fort,” he raised incredulously. “I’ll be a week older by the time we get there; why did I let you take me for a quote unquote walk? My pits are staining and my aorta is straining here. “

“Walter, walk, just walk Walter. We’re almost there.”

“Are we, are we almost there? Because it feels like I’m still walking.”

“SHUT UP!...and look, down there.”

“Whoa,” he floated in awe of the sight down the hill. “Is that?...”

“It ain’t Wendell Wilkie Walter."

“It, it’s beautiful. An oasis of junk in a perfect portrait of flora and fauna. Trees schmrees.”

A junkyard lay below them. Walter loved junkyards. Got misty just lookin’ at em.

“Here’s the thing though,” she said, “this thing is secured like the Louvre.”

Walter jerked his head around at warp speed to glare at her. “You bring me here and expect me to just look at all this. This ain’t a portrait of Sir McSire of the Sires of the realm; this stuff needs to be touched and manipulated and held and tinkered with. The progress of man is in hands not the mind. If you say forced dichotomy I will punch you in the brain and ask you how your mind feels.”

“Would you just take it easy Walter. I didn’t say one word about just looking or the progress of man or your parents forcing your lobotomy; I merely said the place is secure. Open. Your. Fucking. Ears. Tinker with em with your fucking hands if you have to but open those god damn things up. Shit Walter.”

“Sorry, I just see so much junk. Me want… me need. There’s auto junk there’s industrial junk, there’s atuo-industrial junk. And soooo much rust. If I had some WD-40 right now…”

“Whoa whoa whoa, I did not come out here to watch you get hot and heavy and talk about rust lubricant. What’s the plan and what’s my cut?”

“The plan depends on your cut.”

“Contingencies are a slippery slope to relativism Walter and you don’t want to be a relativist do you? You want lines and demarcations Walter. Black. And. White Walter.

Walter took his eyes from the junk to glare at her. “I think you may have forgotten your order in the pecking.”

“Do I look like fowl to you? There’s money down there Walter and you know you need me to get it. Stop wasting time; I hate wasting time! You wanna haggle then set a price and we’ll haggle but I don’t have time for contingencies and evolved social behaviors of fucking chickens.”

She cut her rant to breathe heavily and wait for his retort.

“It’s not just chickens but I get your point.”

He began scanning the yard in earnest and mumbling about acreage, entry points, and god damn pit bulls.

“You get the first stakeout.”

Merica

Well it’s the Friday of Memorial Day weekend.

President Trump is going to honor the fallen by correcting his bone spurs or calcium prods or whatever it was that kept him out of Nam and enlisting as Agent Orange.

Per law, everyone else if going to grill animal flesh and watch Saving Private Ryan.

It’s Miles Davis’ birthday today so we can all pretend to like jazz for ten minutes.

Harvey Weinstein turned himself in to authorities. Which make one wonder, was he even on the lam? Didn’t someone slap him in a restaurant in Arizona? Yet the police can’t find this guy? Too busy tazing people with more melanin in their skin for parking violations I guess.

Lots of sales going on this weekend to help us remember the brave men and women of the armed forces. I know when I think about honoring a guy that died face-down in Guadalcanal for my freedom, I think about using that freedom to buy a new car and a mattress and a washing machine with bluetooth.  

Merica.

They are going to make an entire movie about Boba Fett. You know, the character in Star Wars movies that said all (AND ONLY!) these lines:

                As you wish.
                He’s no good to me dead.
                What if he doesn’t survive? He’s worth a lot to me.
                Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold.

Somebody ram the splintered end of a baseball bat into my adam’s apple please. Let me guess he’s a good kid in the beginning and only turned to bounty hunting to save his dying mother who turns out to be a droid that got knocked up after a bender at that bar in Tatooine.

It’s also Mike Myers’ birthday today. It’s rumored he’s going to make Austin Powers 4. Do we really need a whole ‘nother movie? Can’t we all just buy the teeth from amazon and get on with our lives?

The NFL is NOT doing enough by fining players that kneel during the anthem. Hasn’t anyone read anything about conditioning? Besides Pantene Pro being the best, you also have to reward the behavior you want to see. Soooo all players that stand proudly with their right arm over their heart and their left hand gently rubbing their balls will get an AR-15.

Merica.

Real Life Retorts

Movie Quote: Some men you just can’t reach.

Real Life Retort: Try attaching a robotic arm; it is 2018

Movie Quote: You had me at hello.

Real Life Retort: Attachment issues much?

Movie Quote: I’m ready for my close-up.

Real Life Retort: There’s cilantro in your teeth.

Movie Quote: Heeeere’s Johnny!

Real Life Retort: Here is a relative term.

Movie Quote: You talkin’ to me?

Real Life Retort: No.

Movie Quote: I coulda been a contender.

Real Life Retort: Not as a middle weight.

Movie Quote: I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Real Life Retort: Theoretically, any offer can be refused. You will be better suited by trying to find a middle ground and a win-win scenario.

Movie Quote: Warriors, come out and play.

Real Life Retort: What? Kick the can or stickball?

Movie Quote: E.T. phone home.

Real Life Retort: That’ll have to be collect.

Movie Quote: You’re going to need a bigger boat.

Real Life Retort: Correct. Let’s head back and get an aircraft carrier.

Movie Quote: He’s alive!

Real Life Retort: But is it a life worth living with bolts in your neck?

Movie Quote: Mongo pawn in game of life.

Real Life Retort: I see you more as a thimble in monopoly.

Movie Quote: If it bleeds we can kill it.

Real Life Retort: We? Who is this we you’re talking about? Hey if you feel froggy then jump but my ass is getting to the choppuh!

Movie Quote: I’m a nerd and I’m pretty proud of it.

Real Life Retort: Talk to me when your kid is bullied mercilessly in junior high and we’ll see how proud you are.

Movie Quote: You see us as you want to see us – in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.

Real Life Retort: You just got another one! What is that nine?

Movie Quote: Rosebud…

Real Life Retort: Rosebud schmosebud.

Movie Quote: Let’s go get a taco.

Real Life Retort: Fuck tacos. Burger it up.

Movie Quote: The greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

Real Life Retort: I don’t know; that levitation trick is pretty dope.

Movie Quote: Never tell me the odds!

Real Life Retort: How about the evens?

Movie Quote: He drew first blood.

Real Life Retort: Oh, it was a pinprick. Besides I don’t even think it was on purpose.

Movie Quote: I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I can’t allow to happen.

Real Life Retort: You should have thought of that before you plugged in to this extension cord.

Movie Quote: Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn.

Real Life Retort: I appreciate your candor.

Movie Quote: I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Real Life Retort: Kansas the state sucks but I do like the band Kansas: Duuust in the wiiind…

Movie Quote: I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Real Life Retort: I prefer dichlorobenzene in the morning.

Movie Quote: You can’t handle the truth!

Real Life Retort: I can handle the verisimilitude though.

Movie Quote: If you build it he will come.

Real Life Retort: Title of my sex tape.

Movie Quote:  I see dead people.

Real Life Retort: You studied mortuary science! What did you expect?

Movie Quote: Houston we have a problem.

Real Life Retort: Yeah, the Oilers suck!

Movie Quote: Greed for lack of a better word, is good.

Real Life Retort: Why do we lack a better word? The dictionary is full of words.

Movie Quote: Surely you can’t be serious.

Real Life Retort: Shirley is serious as fuck.

Movie Quote: Mr. Blutarsky: 0.0

Real Life Retort: Yeah but if I retake those courses, the most recent grade will be the one that factors in to the GPA.

5/22/18 Haikus

In the breadth and depth
you are among and amid
you and yours, you’ll see

Broken shattered null
solipsistic and alone
love needs another

Time isn’t rare
experience needs just time
you’ll do everything

Attention! Has waned
gone the way of the dodo
focus is taboo

Autonomous cars
automaton people now
dumbed down and brain dead

Hope springs eternal
it must, otherwise, reflect
on only what is

Beauty! Imagined
all that is the case? Bo-ring!
what is not? Behold!

Hereby, ergo, thus
ado, hubbub, racket, fuss
has to needs and must

The end we know it

nearer, closer, to the touch

death reminds you, live!

via GIPHY